Torture

Flashbacks

Flashbacks are the worst. Especially mine. Especially the one I have of Kai coming toward me as if I was a scared puppy. The one where we're in a 10x10 cement box with no windows and I'm laying on a metal table in the middle of the room and he's getting closer. Where he finally reaches me, touching my leg softly and I can't help but scream. I know he is not here to hurt me, he is trying to help me, and all I can do is scream. He's trying to calm me down and my adrenaline is at 100%. I am screaming and crying so much that I am losing my breath. I am finally realizing that he is here to help me and I am calming down but it's too late. They've already found him and are pulling him away from me. I am calming down and they are taking him. They are taking him out of my room and leaving me alone again and it's too late to save the situation. And then, like many moments before, I am alone with my thoughts.

I snap back into reality and take a deep breath. I've missed everything Kyle has said, but he doesn't seem to notice.

It's been 2 years since I've had a flashback, so I wonder why now. Even longer since I've seen Kai. For some reason a dark, deep feeling is in the pit of my chest and I'm telling myself it's trauma from the flashback but that doesn't feel right. No, this is different.

"What about you? How's your day going?" I quickly compose myself and try a nod to show I've heard him.

"Good. Super busy at work. Kind of stressed out lately." I take a few bites of my salad and enjoy the breeze coming through the window beside us.

"Well I'm glad you were able to find time to meet me for lunch. I've missed you."

He stretches his arm to put his hand on mine and I do what any normal person would do. I smile.

"I've missed you too. I should get back soon though." I take a look at my watch and see if I don't leave now I'll be late. "See you this weekend?"

"Yeah, I can't wait." Kyle smiled big and then leaned in for a kiss. I have been seeing him for 8 months now. He is one of the only people I've gotten comfortable with since Kai. Of course he doesn't know everything, but maybe someday.

The thing about Kyle was that he was also busy, like me, but he was also successful, and most importantly: he was full of himself. Most people see that as a bad thing, but for my situation, it's perfect. I didn't have to contribute much to conversations, and he never asked too many questions. I had just now discovered that he also doesn't realize when I'm having flashbacks, which is good. Ideally, I shouldn't be dating or getting involved with anyone, but it helps me blend in and stay hidden. But I can tell he really likes me. Of course, that makes me feel kind of guilty, knowing everything I do is fake. Ever since I was tortured it's been hard to show any emotion except fear. So I live my life knowing how a normal person should react, and I do that. Even though none of it is real. I wonder if any emotion will ever be real again. 

...

I don't dream much anymore. It's mostly just darkness for 6 hours and then the sound of an alarm blaring. But tonight I dreamt all night long about children playing and laughing and the sounds of their voices. The patter of their feet on fake hardwood floors. The slaps of their hands on the white walls they were running around. They are safe. They feel loved, I could feel it, I could feel them.

I get up and stretch out my shoulders and my back, I guess I didn't sleep as well as I thought I did. I guess when you're up all night dreaming slash experiencing the lives of your children somewhere out in the world your body doesn't rest much. This doesn't happen often but when it does, I almost wish I had more time. Then I remember I gave that up a long time ago. To avoid thinking further into it I get up right away and start making my coffee. I live alone in a one bedroom loft in an undisclosed location and I kind of love it. Being alone used to be the most terrifying thing in the world but now, I take comfort in it.

I continue my morning routine with my shower and blowdry and a little makeup here and there. As I'm walking out the door, I feel it. A pitter-patter, an abnormal heart rhythm, I can feel it in my chest making it harder to breathe. Something is very wrong. I step back into the loft and go down to my knees as I grab my chest. I'm only down for a few seconds before it stops. I've only felt this once before, and that had me grabbing for my cell phone so I could call in to work sick, pack up my things, and run.

It all makes sense now, the frequency of the nightmares getting faster, the flashbacks coming back, the dread I feel in my chest. The bad people are coming back. I think Kai put something of theirs inside of me when they weren't looking and now whenever they get too close to me, this happens. I think Kai wanted me to have a warning. My blood feels like it has turned to acid from all of the anxiety, like my body will soon melt down and finally be done. That's what I'm always waiting for now. The end. While the bad people are still out there there's no point to expect anything else. I have to go before they track me down here. Or I might not escape this time.