In That Moment- A Chicago PD FanFiction

Chapter 8

'Pain. You just have to ride it out. Hope it goes away on its own. Hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions. No easy answers. You just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time, pain can be managed. But sometimes, the pain gets you when you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain. You just have to fight through. Because the truth is, you can't outrun it. And life always makes more.'

Erin's P.O.V.

It seems odd to me, the fact it can take some kind of tragic event to make us admit our true feelings, that we only realise how much we want something when it's very nearly taken away from us. I can't help but wonder what I would be doing now if I hadn't gone in to that room alone. Would I be lying in my bed in my partners arms? The chances are probably not. There's so many what if's, so many possible scenarios that could have come out of that day, it's frightening to think of all the possibilities. I know Jay's awake next to me, I can feel his fingers trailing lightly over my skin. He doesn't say anything though, he hasn't said much since I've been home. There's something he's not telling me, I know it. I'm not sure if I want to know, just incase it's bad news. I don't think I can take much more.

Several minutes later he speaks, so quietly at first I can barely hear him. "We need to talk about this Erin.." He says quietly, and I can almost hear the apprehension in his voice. It's as though he's expecting me to explode, to take it all out on him- either that or he thinks I'm going to break down in tears. I feel my stomach knot, I was hoping he hadn't noticed, that we wouldn't have to have this conversation. I roll to the edge of the bed, away from him. "I don't know what you're talking about." I say, quietly and firmly. It's a rubbish come back, I know he's not going to the it, but it's all I've got in me at the minute. I hear him sigh quietly before he gets up off the bed and walks away. There's a noise that it takes me a second to place, but then I realise it's the front door of my apartment shutting.

I sit on the edge of the bed for a minute, waiting to see if he's coming back, but the minutes tick by and he doesn't. I get up and get dressed quickly, making my way out of the door. By the time I've got down the stairs I'm exhausted, but I don't stop. I suck in the icy cold air and walk slowly down the street. If feels good to get out of the apartment, I need some time to clear my head. I think Jay does too. It's been a lot to taken in, my injuries, our new found relationship and we both just need a minute. I wander along aimlessly, thinking. I nearly walk in to people several times, so lost in thought I hadn't even noticed them. There's a nagging pain in my chest and my legs, but i don't stop walking. Maybe if I just keep going my problems won't come with me.

I'd thought I was lucky, having no memory of what happened. I've been praying its permenant, as selfish as it sounds I can see the impact the memories of that night have on Jay and I've got no desire to have to relive it myself. But the last few days there's been little flashes coming back to me. The fear is even more paralysing than it was at the time. I've been trying to deny it, convince Jay I'm fine but he's not stupid. Last night, stood in the kitchen with him- it was as though I was back in the warehouse for a few seconds. I totally zoned out on what Jay was telling me, as though I was back there, being pressed up against the wall. I'd dropped the mug I was holding, Jay trying desperately to get me to talk to him but I just couldn't, then there'd been another flash in the middle of the night. I'd woken up in a cold sweat, screaming. I'd had a dream so vivid it had felt like I was really laying on the cold floor, being kicked over and over again. My screaming had woken Jay up, he'd tried to ask what was wrong but I just could explain it. I want everything to be fine, I want us to move on from this, I don't want to weigh him down with my problems even more.

I keep walking, aimlessly wandering with no sense of direction, just thinking things over. The pain shooting through my chest is suggesting I should probably stop. I've got no idea how far I've walked but I'm fairly sure this isn't what the doctor meant my rest. I spot a bench up ahead and walk towards it wearily. It's freezing out and hardly ideal weather for sitting outside but I need a minute to catch my breath. As I sit on the bench, wheezing with each breath I reach in to my pocket to take my phone out. I'm going to have to admit defeat and call Jay, even if it means having a conversation I don't want to. I push my hand in to my pocket, only to find it empty. I search the other one, only to find that empty. Crap. I feel awful, Jay's going to be worried about me. I'm such an idiot, he deserves so much better than this.

Jay's P.O.V.

I regret it instantly, the second I walk back in to the apartment. It was stupid and selfish of me, I just needed a minute. I just feel like ever since that night in the warehouse we've been stuck in some kind of nightmare. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that we've finally confessed to each other how we feel, it's the other stuff. The doctors appointments, watching her wince in pain when she doesn't think I can see her- the sound of her screaming during the night. It just feels as though we'll never get back to normal. I just needed five minutes of peace and quiet, of normality. But there's a second, when I walk in to the apartment and my voice echoes off the empty walls, when I know it was a mistake. For a second I wonder what I'm going to find- visions of Erin laying unconscious on the floor flooding in to my mind. But as I rush through the apartment I find it's empty. I have to look twice, she struggles to walk to the kitchen some days so the idea of her making it out of the apartment seems inconceivable. But apparently she's managed it.

I grab my phone, dialling her number. My heart sinks as I hear a familiar ringtone and spot her phone on the side in the kitchen. I think for a minute, trying to think where she might have gone, who she might have gone to. I call burgess, who hasn't seen her all day. Then I tentatively dial Voight's number, I know he's going to kill me for not knowing where she is but I'm running out of options. He hears the panic in my voice instantly. "What do you mean have I seen her?! You're supposed to be looking after her!" He barks down the phone at me, making me feel worse than I already do. He hangs up on me, leaving me no alternative but to go out and look for her. I'm at the bottom of the steps when Voight appears. "What the hell are you playing-" he starts to yell at me and I just snap. I know Voight's not the ideal person to take this out on, the odds are he's going to make my life hell, but the weeks of pent up emotion just come rushing out. "You know what Voight, don't you dare give me a lecture! Maybe you should try being the one that has to carry her to bed when she's too tired to walk, or being the one that has to get her painkillers at 2am because she's in too much pain to sleep- maybe you should try waking up to the sound of her screaming! Because where have the rest of you been? You're supposed to be her family!" I scream in his face. He stands there for a second, speechless before I turn and hurry off down the street.