Headshrinker

Chapter Two

When term started I went to my lectures and seminars and got right back into getting through my second year. My flatmates came back to the flat and got back into their work too. I shared with four others but I was closest to Claire. She was the best friend I had at uni.

We bonded over our curly hair when we met. She had amazing brown curls, lighter than mine and shoulder length. When I told her my name, she thought we sounded like Bonnie and Clyde. I guess she mixed up Bonnie and Butch Kassidy. People were always making references to butch but in this case I liked it.

She had so much to tell me about the holidays. She was a really chatty, really busy person so I heard everything about her family and friends that happened over Christmas. She wanted me to tell her everything in return but I wasn't much of a talker.

As a budding midwife, she wanted to know all of the details of my best friend's birth, details a friend shouldn't know so I couldn't answer. It was great to get to talk about the baby to someone who understood though.

Somehow I didn't let her know my plans in all of the baby talk. I didn't mention the band either. I didn't think she'd want to know, she was always so busy with her course and her placement. I was glad I lived with her because her course made mine look easy, almost.

None of my friends in class picked anything up if I was acting any differently. I definitely didn't want to share the story with them so I was glad they didn't pry. They'd love to know about the band but they'd think I was off my head if they knew why I was getting so close to them.

Those friends weren't interested in kids, they were all about having the best time at university and then focusing on their careers. I had mine firmly in mind too but I wanted something much more. I didn't really know what I wanted to be but I knew I wanted to be a mother. It was so important and I was running out of time every day, there's forever to work.

Since the band were in the rehearsal room just about every night, so was I. Sometimes Guigsy would arrive early so we could have some time together without me staying to see them play and everything. Other times I would turn up and wait for them to finish. As much as I enjoyed their company, there were times when I was so focused on my goal. I needed it sooner rather than later.

Every time I saw a baby or a toddler, on the street, on the telly, a picture in a magazine, I was desperate. I avoided my friends with kids just to spare the heartache.

I tried not to think about what I was doing at all. I was just being a student, hanging out with a band. That was what I told myself so I wouldn't think about how I was exploiting my friends. I was absolutely determined and I wasn't going to stop.

Being around the band I quickly realised cigarettes and alcohol weren't the only things they were using. They used weed, cocaine and other drugs. It was easy to pretend I was drinking along with them but there was no way of pretending I was doing the other stuff too.

Guigsy tried to hand me a joint he'd started smoking but I refused it. "What's up with ya? It's just..."

"Our Kassidy's a good girl, she don't get involved in none of that stuff." Bonehead pointed out.

"Yeah." I agreed, lying. "Keep it to yourself."

"Oh, soz, thought you'd wanna join in."

"I like being around you all, I don't need to get high to enjoy it. I don't mind what any of yous do, honest." I stated, hoping Guis wouldn't make anything more of why I wasn't joining in.

"You're not honest with yourself if you're saying you're not up for doing drugs." Noel commented. "We all do it. It's just a fact of life."

"Not for me." I shrugged.