Invisible Monsters

Blizzard

Dear Diary,

You don't notice it at first. It's starts slowly, like the start of a blizzard. First you feel the cold, bitter winds (the sadness and loneliness). Then the little by little, you see snow starting to come from the clouds (the decline of interests you used to have for your hobbies and passions, the loss of energy that seems to decrease each day). The snow starts to pick up and it begins to stick onto the ground (distancing yourself from those who love you, forgot the feeling of happiness). It's starting to snow a lot now, you can hear the winds blowing against your windows (self-hatred, becoming reckless, feeling suffocated).

I'm at that point. But it's more than that. The blizzard is here (I am having suicidal thoughts; I entertain myself with visions of death) and I don't know how long I can survive this.

I wasn't always like this. Or maybe I was; I mean, I can't really remember a time I was honestly happy. Full of life! Content with how things were. Perhaps when I was a child and I knew nothing of betrayal and maliciousness. I wish I could go back into the land of naivety. I honestly didn't choose this.

But no one does I guess. No one chose to grow up or be born. I wonder if God asked me if I wanted to be born without having any knowledge of the horrors and sins of the world...would I say yes? But...I would only be an embryo if he had asked. I wouldn't even understand what he would ask me.

I wish I was never born. All I've caused was more trouble than what I'm worth. And I'm worth absolutely nothing.

Today was hard. I had low blood sugar and almost fainted. As I fell on the floor, I just wished to stay there and slowly seep into the darkness for a bit. Just a little while. I'm tired of fighting so hard all the time.

Some people saw me fall and gave me some water with sugar and fruit. I thanked them and tried to stand up, much in vain. I fell right back down.

"Did you eat anything?" one of the ladies asked.

I told them I did...but at 5:20 am. That was the last time I ate. The time now was 11:35 pm.

"Where's your mom?" another stranger asked. I shrugged and said that I have texted her and she was most likely on her way.

After all that nonsense, I asked one of them to get my phone. Once I checked it, I saw two missed calls and five messages from my mother asking where I was. I texted her the whole issue and she finally came inside to take me away. I was so embarrassed; I didn't want to burden anyone. I felt really weak however and I couldn't even walk without holding onto someone's shoulders so I definitely needed help.

I needed help. Not only physically. But I hate burdening people with my issues because then they will get tired of me and leave me alone. I hated being abandoned just because of my emotions and the need to vent them out. I try to not do that at all. But it gets out sometimes.

I'm so tired...I'm going to take a nap and write more tomorrow..