Chapter 1
It all began 5 years ago, I wasn't in a good place, my life meant nothing and I had no reason to live. I was living with an eating disorder and I starved myself everyday. When I looked in the mirror I saw fat everywhere and I grabbed at the lumps of fat on my body. The doctors told me I was stick thin but I didn't believe them and so I carried on starving myself to death. I wanted to be like the girls in the magazines, they were so beautiful and they didn't seem to have any worries because why would you when you're perfect? My mum would say "Sophia you need to take a look at yourself, you're fading away and I'm losing my daughter." These words just floated to the back of my head like they didn't matter because the eating disorder had taken over and it had a grip on my mind.
One day the doctors put me into a clinic, it all happened so fast and I had to go because yes I was nearly dying. I had to stay there every single day while they watched me eating and they even had to be in the toilet with me to make sure I didn't make myself vomit the food up. It was so stressful but my only escape was my laptop. I know it sounds crazy but my laptop was my best friend at this point. I had been talking to a guy on twitter ever since I'd been at the clinic and he just seemed to care and he also seemed to really like me. This sounded crazy to me because who would like a disgusting person like me? But he seemed to be the person who was going to save me....
Chapter 2
He was the nicest person ever and he really cared about me. He would call me his princess and he told me that everything was going to be alright as long as he was there to look after me. It was like an online relationship I guess. I totally fell in love with him and he was in love with me. I often questioned myself why he would love an anorexic but I just couldn't find the answer. He was the only person that was there to help me get better and I wanted to get better because of him. He was the kind of person who made your heart beat faster, he was the kind of person who sent good morning texts and he was the kind of person who made my life worth living.
We talked every day on twitter but he would never send me pictures of him but he had seen pictures of me. He said that the camera on his phone was broke and I was ok with that. I guess I was just holding on to any happiness I had in my life at that point and he was my happiness. I didn't need to see pictures of him because I was totally in love with his personality. It was like he was holding my heart in his hands because he owned my heart. It was love.
That evening I was sitting on my bed (well the ugly bed in the clinic) reading the fault in our stars when my mum came to visit me. She sat at the end of the bed and she seemed sad so I asked her what was wrong and she said "I'm just worried about you and I want you to get better." I moved closer to her and said "Mum I promise I will try to get better because I've met this boy...well I say 'met' but I've never really met him because we just talk on twitter and I think I love him mum and he loves me." Then she stood up and I didn't know what she was going to do. Her face filled with anger and she slapped me. I sat on the bed with tears flowing down my cheeks while I held the cheek she slapped. She said "Online relationships are stupid, you could be talking to anybody, how do you even know the person is real? I'm so disappointed in you Sophia." Then that was it, she just left without apologising and I sat there in the same spot on my bed all night afraid to move.
Chapter 3
After the drama I woke up feeling very depressed but I was determined to get better. I wanted to show my mum that I didn’t need her help. I got dressed and went downstairs to the room where everyone ate. The room was filled with people just like me, there were girls crying their eyes out because they had to eat a spoonful of food and there were boys too. There was a girl called Sally who I sat with at meal times so I quickly walked over to our table. She told me how she didn’t want to get better and she just wanted to die because she thought dying would be easier than trying to eat food. She was a mess and no matter how much I tried to help her she wouldn’t listen but then again I was just as messed up as she was.
After breakfast my mum came to visit me again. I didn’t want to talk to her but I guess I had to because she is my mum. We were in my room at the clinic and she sat me down on my bed. I felt so uncomfortable but she put her arms around me and said “Sophia you know I love you and I’m sorry about what happened last night. Please forgive me. If you really love this boy then go for it and if he is the person who is making you get better then I can’t possibly stand in the way of you two being in love.” I held my mums hand and told her “Yes mum I forgive you and I just hope you understand how much I love him and he has saved me.”
Chapter 4
That night after my mum left I logged onto my twitter account to talk to the guy I’m in love with. His twitter name was ‘themanhjeebvgdj’ yeah so it was kind of weird. BUT his twitter account was gone, my heart sunk to my feet, had I done something wrong? Did something happen to him? Why did he delete his account? I felt so bad, I shut down my laptop and sat on my bed with tears flowing down my cheeks and everything was blurry because there were so many tears in my eyes. I felt like my world had just left me. I got up from my bed and snuck downstairs to the kitchen at the clinic. I grabbed a knife and went back upstairs making sure that no one saw me. I sat back down at the edge of my bed and pulled up my sleeve, it all happened so quickly, the blood flowed down my arm and I don’t know why it felt good but I had to cut myself because I felt so worthless.
I lay on my bed all night with the blood drying up on my arm and when the clinic nurse came in the next morning she screamed for help. I was rushed to the nurse’s room at the clinic and they cleaned up my arm and put a bandage on it. I just sat there the whole time without opening my mouth. I didn’t want to speak to them because they just didn’t understand me at all.
