About me...

Where it all begins

All im going to say of my birth is that my real dad wanted my mom to have an abortion. When she told me that, ill be honest...it broke me heart and i cried. I had never felt more unwanted in my life, but then i realized i had my mom. She cared for me when no one else did, and i have more people to care, it took me way to long to realize that too.

Next thing i remember, i never told my mom this until just recently but...when i was five i had a step father who was always getting high and drunk. Not the best combination shall i add. But when i was alone...he did horrible things to me. He sexually harrassed me. It was something that broke me down for years. I havent forgotten and im 14. Do you know what kind of man hurts his daughter because of sexual tendencies?! Not a real man thats all i can say. Anyways...i cried so much as a kid i still do because i never told my mom and it hurt me so much. It gives me nightmares. I have this reoccurring dream that he is going to come back and hurt me. Ill wake up screaming and crying. But what scares me the most is not being able to leave that in the past, it haunts me but it ruins my life, ill be happy and because im so petrified ill stop what ever im doing and break down. My only salvation is my mother and knowing i have her in my life again, it makes me cry...tears of joy. I dont know when i can surpass this fear, but i know all i need is hope and i need to know what it stands for (Hold On - Pain Ends) She is there for me every day, what more could i want, what more could i need in this world than her everlasting love. I was afriad to move forward and i still am, but i know she will help me through every bit of pain and she will assure me that the ones that caused me tears wont be the ones to stay in my life. They will leave and not look back and, worry? Worry i wont. See id never thought of myself as the one to want others to help but then i see, i cry everyday thinking theres no way in the world someone else has endured as much pain as me but i was wrong, because there have been people who suffered worse than me! And i never cared about anything else but my pain, i blamed everyone. And when i see now that others have been hurt it makes me want more than just to let others back in my life again but i want to help people who were me. No where to go thinking to get lost in my own mind is best because no one can hurt me there kinda people. Im always going to feel pain because of my past but me and my mom together are learing to work through the pain.