Behind The Scenes: Book Two || Jihope

IX: Not Enough

:-(

"Don't come back late and take care, okay?" Jin adviced Jimin as he got into the van that would take them home. "No problem. Thank you, hyung" Jimin replied with a smile. He had told Jin that he would go visit a friend, but he hadn't said which friend, of course. There was no reason for the rest of Bangtan to know. He took one of the company's cars and told the driver to take him to Jisung's home. It was quite a long drive, all the way to the other side of the city to a less luxurious neighborhood. Jisung now worked as the assistant manager of a book store. He earned a good salary but a part of it had to go to BigHit Entertainment to cover the expenses of his almost seven years of training. Had he not debuted, Jimin would be paying for those too.

As the car took him further from BigHit's main building, he couldn't help but to remember how many mistakes he had made in a single recording session. His voice was weak and that was becuase he had spent the very early morning crying until Hoseok found him. He should've been smarter. He should've known that his voice would sound weird after crying. He should've been able to hold back the tears instead of giving in to his worthless problems. Jimin would never understand why he kept messing up. The worst part of it was that this time, he had not only messed up for himself but for the whole vocal line. What a shame! He was so embarrassed.

The driver announced that they had arrived and Jimin asked him to please pick him up at the same place in about four hours. The guy kindly agreed and told Jimin to take care of himself. Jimin thanked him and walked out of the car with a mask on his face. He didn't want to be recognized after all. He rang the bell and awaited until a familiar face showed up. "Ah Jiminie!" Jisung greeted him with a warm hug. Jimin hugged him back and then entered the place, climbing the long stairs that lead to Jisung's modest apartment. "Are you hungry?" The guy asked and Jimin just moved his head right to left, indicating that he didn't want to eat. "Okay. No one will force you, Jiminie" Jisung told him making the younger smile.

This is one of the things that Jiminie loved about hanging out with Jisung. He would never force him to do anything, and thankfully that included eating. The older poured water on a clear glass and approached Jimin. "How are you feeling?" He asked tenderly. Apparently he had noticed a bit of the uncomfortable mien Jimin was wearing. "I messed up so much today!" Jimin answered taking the glass from his friend's hand. He took a sip and noticed a strange sour taste in the liquid but he dismissed it as just the water being different from the one he was normally used to. Living in Korea, he had tasted many kinds of different water. This, however, was probably the strangest one.

"What happened? New dance or something?" Jisung asked, taking a seat across the little table of the living room. "No, it was a new song. I couldn't do it the right way and I messed up the session for everybody" Jimin answered, burying his face into his hands. "I don't understand why I keep failing!" He spoke with a sigh. It felt like nothing he was doing was right. Not only had he failed to sing properly, he had also failed to lose weight and now he found himself feeling like he couldn't do anything right.

"That's okay Jiminie. Don't put yourself down. You are trying your best" Jisung tried to comfort him, but his statement made things even worse for Jimin. "That's the problem, you know? I give my best but it is not enough. It is never enough" Chimchim replied taking another drink of the sour liquid Jisung had given him. He was reluctant at first, but now he found himself really liking the content of the glass. "That's right" Jisung told him, making Jimin turn to look at him. "You're giving your best but it is not working. Maybe that is because you have the least experience among the members. I mean didn't Hoseok trained with JYP first?" The older asked, Jimin nodded. He wanted to hear the rest of Jisung's theory. "Then that perhaps is the main problem, Jiminie! You are lacking where they excel and that is why you keep making mistakes and dissapointing them" the guy explained, making Jimin's blood run cold. His friend was completely right.

"What should I do?" Jimin asked holding the glass of water in between his hands very tightly. "Umm. You could always practice more and become better" Jisung told him with a shrug. That was clearly the obvious solution, but Jimin was not sure of what else he could possibly do. He practiced really hard, every single day. He had asked J Hope to help him with his dancing and he had asked Jungkook to help him with his singing. Both of them always complimented him on how well he did, even saying that there was nothing for him to be helped with since he was already so good. Still, Jimin knew they were only being kind. "Or we could always find some other ways to make you feel better" Jisung added with a smirk. Jimin turned to see him, this had been exactly what his friend had said when he taught him how to draw scars on his wrists.

"No! No!" Jimin said feeling a little nervous. "The members saw it and I got in trouble" he continued, remembering the awful discussion he had had with both Yoongi and Hoseok. This was not something he wanted to live again. "Really? How did they find out?" Jisung inquired getting on his feet and taking a seat next to Jimin. "Hobi- hyung saw them and he told Suga- hyung. So I- I got in trouble" Jimin answered with his gaze down. "I dissapointed them even more then, I don't want to do it any more" he completed yet again taking another sip from his glass. Was it just his imagination? Or was he starting to become a little dizzy?

"So you are afraid of them seeing it?" Jisung asked with a deep tone. Jimin just nodded. He was indeed afraid of that, he just didn't want to dissapoint his members any more than he already had. "So why don't we try somewhere they won't see then?" Jisung spoke, Jimin instantly turning to look at him. "What? No, I- I don't know" Jimin answered with an unsteady voice. "It's easy for them to find your wrists, but what about here?" Jisung asked pointing directly to Jimin's left thigh. Of course that would be a more difficult place to find the scars but that didn't mean that they wouldn't. Specially Hoseok who often changed him into his sleep wear. "No- no. I- I can't" Jimin said once again sounding really insecure. He would like to say the reason behind his unsteady tone was how drowsy he was feeling or something, but the truth was that the reason behind his hesitation was the fact that he was actually considering it.

"Don't be scared. I'll do it for you, okay? Just like last time" Jisung told him and despite the fact that everything in Jimin wanted to refuse, he nodded. Just today he had asked Hoseok for help but somehow Jimin now felt so empty and really trashed. The feeling was almost consuming him alive. It was hell. He didn't even know why he felt so weak or when his insecurities had grown this big. Why couldn't he talk about them properly so that this kind of measures weren't necessary? He didn't know. He just felt trapped. Trapped into the image he was supposed to sell and the image of who he really was. He wondered if half of his fans, who always said they loved him, would still feel the same if they knew the wrong things he had done. Would they still support him if he revealed how little he ate or how he was about to do something unimaginable just to get a little bit of relief? Probably not. That is why his teachers always instructed him to smile, no matter what. His real feelings were not to be shown on camera. Not now, not ever!

As he saw Jisung opening a little aluminium pack containing a small scalpel, Jimin undid the button and the zipper of his jeans. He was scared and nervous but he knew those feelings would soon dissapear. "Don't be afraid" Jisung told him tenderly. "Take a deep breath" he instructed and as soon as Jimin did so, a piercing pain traveled all the away from his leg to his entire body. His breath hitched, he instantly tried to remove his friend's hand away. "It's alright. Just close your eyes" the older said and finally, Jimin was able to feel what he had sought. Relief! It was like the pain had been replaced by a sudden sensation of much needed calmness. It felt sort of great.

Still, he couldn't help but to be awfully aware that he was now feeling really dizzy and to complete that feeling, there was the fact that his leg felt like it was burning. He moved away once again. "It's okay" Jisung assured him "I'll make it so that it doesn't hurt that much" the guy continued. Jimin kept his eyes closed. At first he was not sure what Jisung had meant, but it sure became quite clear when he felt his friend's lips landing on his own.