If My Dreams Were Memories

•ch1

I close my eyes and open them again to the same darkness there was before. Frustrated I turn over on my side, facing the wall my bed is pressed up against I close my eyes again. Thoughts swirl through my head unstopping as I try to sleep. I huff and turn over laying on my back, opening my eyes I stare at the plain white ceiling of my room. 'Just one hour of sleep would be nice', I thought as I glance at the white numbers shining on the face of my new alarm clock. I shut my eyes trying to remember the process my doctor suggested me to follow to help me sleep. I take a deep breath in and my body almost panics causing my throat to feel slightly constricted. My eyes flutter at the sensation but it quickly subsidies as I exhale, thinking back I try to recall the other steps but my mind forms a blank when I realize that I forgot to breath in again. I quickly take in air, but I catch myself not fully inhaling, only taking in enough oxygen to get by, and that's when it happens. I hold my breath not exhaling even though I urge my body to do so. My heart begins to race as I feel my mind slip and the realization that I am about to have a panic attack set in. I hold my breath again, despite knowing that I should be breathing as my blood pounds in my ears. My lungs scream for air but I only allow shallow breaths in. My vision blurring my body finally caves as my breathing becomes a whirlwind. I suck the cool air into my lungs in short spurts but it's still not enough. I feel as if I can't breathe as hot tears roll down my cheeks and I curse myself for allowing myself to get in this state. My breathing soon becomes more shallow and quicker as I wish for this hell to be over. Minutes pass, seeming like ages before I can finally breathe at a somewhat normal pace. I squeeze my eyes shut and hug my pillow tightly as I pull myself into a ball. I lay there like that for a while before I am finally able to release the tension in my body. exhausted I slowly drag the covers back from my bed and lean over the side with my bare feet on the wood floor and my head in my hands. I rub my temples, breathing in slowly, before standing up. I grab my gray hoodie and pull it over my chilled body. I open my room door and walk down the long hall before descending the stairs. I make my way to the kitchen. Pulling a glass out of the cupboard, I set it down on the countertop in front of me. I sigh, tiredly I open the fridge, only to shut it. picking my glass up I take it to the sink and turn the water on letting it fill my glass up halfway before shutting it off. I bring the glass to my lips and drink the water before sitting the glass back down beside the sink. blinking my eyes I try to concentrate on the dark world outside the kitchen window, my eyes only focusing for a few seconds before they slowly begin to shut. I shake my head trying to remember the task at hand, getting back to my room. I squint at the nearby clock, barely making out the numbers 3:01 am. My eyelids continually lull shut unexpectedly as I stand there. I know I wanted to sleep but this wasn't exactly how I wanted this to go. I place my hand on the countertop to stable myself, maybe I'll just sit on the floor I think to myself as I unconsciously lower my body to the floor and sit there, legs cross with my head resting lightly against the cabinet door. Despite my weak efforts my eyes drift shut and my body slumps as sleep washes over me. The darkness enveloping me the world around me becomes muted as if it was blanketed in snow. The sounds I hear, muffled, the movements I feel, dulled, but the touch I feel is warm. My body stirs in response to the noises I hear and the movements I feel but I still lay there against the cabinet door sleep tugging me deeper into it's recesses. hands on my shoulders, a quiet voice, is all that is able to break through the black wall of sleep. My eyes flutter open, a face and then darkness, quietness again, the threads of sleep have finally won me over, pulling me completely under into a world of deep sleep.