Stories Full of Tears

Chapter 3: My Mind Right Now

I am overwhelmed. It's hard to explain exactly how I feel right now. My chest is heavy, my head is foggy, I feel nauseous, and an aching pain all over. That's the physicality of it, but the mentality is far worse. I want nothing more than to tell someone all of this and receive some much needed sympathy, but who am I to ask for or even want sympathy.
      That in itself terrifies me. Am I so weak that I need the validation from others to say "You are strong and can get through this."? I'd like to say that I'm not, and yet I cannot fight the feeling of wanting just a small amount of that sympathy. Maybe it will make me feel better? But often enough, it doesn't. After, I yell at myself "Why did you tell them?! You're so weak, such a baby! You can't even deal with your own feelings by yourself!" I tell myself these things and I believe them.
      Even in the moment of exposing my deepest feelings to a friend I can't even get the words out. As if, that voice is telling me to shut up. "You're pain is so trivial and stupid. Just get over it, you baby. Stop bringing attention to yourself." All of this runs through my mind as I try to cope with everything that's over running my mind.
      My need to have everything be in place, everyone be happy, everything be ok is so large. That need is a part of me. Something I've never really been able to overcome, and now as that need is crushed by "life" it feels as if I am being crushed with it.
      Everything is changing, everything is wrong and I am not able to fix it or put it back in place. I'm terrified. I am so scared of what can or might happen in the near future. All around me it feels like the beautifully built little world I have created and surounded myself with is crumbling to pieces and I don't know how to rebuild it.
       Even my walls, set in place to protect me from heartbreak are destroyed, dust. It feels as if, I am falling apart. Yet, maybe that's dramatic? Maybe I should grow up and realize that stuff changes that's how the world goes round? Or am I once again telling myself that my feelings do not matter and are lesser than those of others? How dare I pity myself when I am blessed beyond measure. And yet, I would rather be poor than feel this much pain.
       "One thing at a time." has never been a montra I could follow. Even now, as I grow into an adult I can not handle or deal with one emotion at a time. I am sad, angry, dissapointed, scared, and jealous all at the same time. My mind is overwhelmed by the weight of the situations surrounding me, and I do not know how to cope.
        I have never handled emotions well, but now as the anxiety of what is to come adds on to the whirlwind of emotions it feels as if I will fail. Will I be crushed under the weight of it all or be swept away by the flood? Either of which I would hope to not happen, but I feel as if they might.
        I feel small. The feelings weighing me down. And I wish for somebody to bare my burden with me, but at the same time I don't. I want someone to tell this to in all its crazy glory, but I also want someone to see it in me and understand it rather than have me explain it.
        I said before how I feel as if my world is crumbling, I could be being dramatic or maybe I'm just broken and everything else has finally caught up. Whichever it may be, I know I need to be more open with people. Because I can not handle this on my own anymore.