Our Circle

The Truth About Him

•Chapter Three•
•The Truth About Him•
•Ivy•

They all sat there in that mindless circle, for what reason? None of them knew why we were there. I don't think any of them cared. Not Skye or Theo, not Tegan or Roman, not one of them knew or cared why. I know why we're here. I know the motives behind the school for making this therapy group. It wasn't because they noticed that we were troubled. It wasn't because Skye talked to herself, or that Tegan cried for no reason, or that Lloyd never spoke and Calvin never shut up. It wasn't for any of those reasons. The school doesn't care, but they are scared. It was because he jumped.

The school didn't randomly decide to start a therapy group. We've always been here, all the outcasts. We didn't just one day show up and the school decided to put us in therapy. No, a boy committed suicide. It scarred the school, it scarred the district, it scarred the parents and it scarred the state. So what did they do? They took the most likely suicidal students and put us in a therapy group. Well, I guess they took the most suicidal and the most likely to cause a suicide and put us into a group. Because Theo and Roman, and even Lloyd aren't ever going to commit suicide or hurt themselves. But who am I to judge, I had no idea what Heath was thinking and I still don't and I guess I never will.

However, this was Heath's fault, all his fault. I miss him, he was my only friend, but I can't help to feel some animosity towards him. I can't help feeling that I didn't really know him. Heath was my friend, my only friend, but he never thought to mention that he was depressed, he never mentioned that boys beat him up in the locker room. I guess he wasn't much of a talker, but it hurt that he never confided in me, he never trusted me. He didn't trust Felicity either. And I can't help but hate Heath because he decided to leave. He didn't ask what I thought, he didn't care. He just jumped.

He just jumped right out of my life.

Now he's who I have to blame. He's the reason I wear long sleeve shirts everyday. He's the reason I can't stand to even let anyone close. He's the reason I'm in this brainless therapy circle. I'm on suicide watch now, because of him.

I hate him, but I miss him, so goddamn much. I hate such conflicting feelings. I hate that he's gone, but can still make me feel like this. I don't want to feel like this anymore, so empty and hollow. I'm so hollow I can't even cry anymore. I can't feel the pain anymore and I want to. It's just numb, and I don't want to be numb.

I can clearly remember when she caught me. It was first period, I couldn't bare to go to class, it was too mind numbing. I was still distraught from yesterday when these girls I've never spoken to before came up to me during lunch. They stared making fun of the pizza I was eating, saying how all that grease just went straight to my hips. It didn't hurt, and that was the problem, I was numb. Their teasing didn't hurt me. And then Heath died. I wanted it to hurt, I wanted to feel the pain those girls intended me to feel. I wanted to feel the pain of Heath's loss. I wanted to feel the pain of all the past years of bullying and embarrassment. I wanted it to hurt. I ended up doing something, something I had only done once before, but I always carried the small razor around with me. I was in the middle of cutting across my skin for the second mark when the door opened. I hadn't meant for someone to find me, I just wanted to feel, I wasn't thinking. I'd never even thought about doing this in school. I so desperately wanted to feel all the pain, all the emotions.

Just my luck that Felicity had been on war path to find me. Of course all her emotions were function at top speed. She was a mess and I couldn't feel a thing. I regret shoving her like that and not sticking around to see if she was okay, but I panicked. Felicity caught me in the act. She knew something about me that not even Heath knew. I was stupid to think she wouldn't tell.

In the next two weeks I was attending the first therapy circle session. I thought for sure I'd see Felicity or Greyson there. If anyone was a loose cannon it was those two. She was all over the place and Greyson actually overdosed. Now their face are plastered all over the tabloids. Her and Greyson are making headlines and I'm stuck in therapy with a bunch of strangers. It was weird though, I didn't feel so alone now. I guess I hadn't realized there were other kids who were facing similar problems, who were outcasts. At least I didn't have to see Felicity everyday.