okay hi guys this is my first novel and i am still working on it but i will only publish more if it is a success :) ily bye
I honestly didn't intend on this to be the trigger of my annihilation. For it to be the culmination of my life. But recently I have just felt that I have had no motive to continue with my inadequate being. I have come to the realization that I do not, in fact, want to demise into an desolate, interminable aperture of nothingness, no, I simply just long for the unbearable misery to end, once and for all. I can feel myself slowly fading into an abyss of depletion, which is, I imagine, much worse than feeling your life dissolve, slowly, so very, painfully, slowly, into your insuppressible passing.
Has it ever crossed your mind that it is very probable that you are living in, that you think of as a humble abode, is in fact the work of the dead? The ground you are standing on has been constructed by he who is inevitably dead by now.
Everyone left me, despite the fact that they promised with all their heart that they wouldn't, but I expected nothing less, I knew they would, because everyone leaves in the end.
Anyway, I guess I should tell you how my life ended and my void of depression began. My life began to crumble, right before their eyes but they noticed not a thing, did they really believe that fraudulent smile, did it sincerely convince them that I was...'fine'?
That is the last time I fall in love. Love is cancerous. Once you’re in love, you feel like you can't ever breathe without it again, that it will last forever. It never does. Forever is a myth, isn't it?
I remember the day I first came into contact with him, down to the exact details. I had never been at all trustworthy of love itself, afraid even. It is your worst enemy, your best friend and it eventually consumes you until you find it hard to exist without it. Those, briefly, are my indefinite feelings. If I was to lose him, I would lose everything, and I did. Because he was my everything.
Gazing soundlessly out of the front room window, at the monotonous world beyond me, I carefully sat down on the frail window sill. The paint had begun to peel and the wood was breaking, splintering into thin, fragile fragments, that feeling is much too familiar to me nowadays. Thinking too much had always been my weakness, I would end up coming up with senseless stories and possibilities of what could go wrong. So, as usual, I peered around the habitual living room. The ragged picture frames that I had grown to adore, they had a lot of sentimental value to me, although I did not understand what image they were supposedly portraying; the pulverized sofas, of whom too many unwelcome souls had sat upon; I preferred not to even begin to think about how many deceased beings had selflessly sat upon them, for the last time before they were gone; the aged, neglected fireplace, that had burnt out long ago, much like my soul. It had remained unused, dusty and lonesome.
This had been almost a daily routine, just gazing out of that very window, on that particular window ledge, at the outside world. But that one day, everything changed. I laid my eyes on what I once thought of as perfection.
He didn't introduce himself; he didn't even acknowledge my existence. But I saw him and he intrigued me, but I thought nothing of it as he walked straight past my house to reach whatever his destination may have been.
But one day, coincidentally, he glanced at me. Straight through my mind. It felt like he was incinerating my skin, reducing me to ashes. We locked eyes and, almost like it was a locket to my heart, he also burnt the key to shut it again. He had control over me in just one elementary movement and there was no turning back.
After that, he started to walk past every day around noon, and my curiosity got the better of me, and that’s how this all happened.
I took a step outside with the ridiculous hope than he would notice me, and notice me he did. His eyes were a culminating paradisiac shade of blue, I felt as if they were burning right through my skin, similar to the previous feeling, taking in every flaw.
For a moment, we just stood there, taking in each other’s presence. I felt naked, exposed; he was a volcano and I was merely a pebble washing upon the anxious shore of the sapphire ocean which was his eyes.
I felt an overwhelming weight digging its claws into my shoulder blades.
At this point, I was clueless to the fact that, that excruciating pain was a fatal disease;
Love.
