Frustration

Note: I was too tired to think of a proper title. Sorry 😅 I hope you still like it. Oh, and it's getting a little soppy in the end. I got kind of carried away 🙈

Ant's pov

Sitting at my desk in our shared office, I stare blankly on my computer screen. The words in front of me aren't making any sense. I'm tired, exhausted in fact. The last night was anything but restful. I barely got any sleep. I look over at Dec, sitting on his desk opposite of mine. He is tipping non stop, his tongue showing a little like always when he's concentrated. He seems to do just fine. Meanwhile I have no idea what to do. Of course I know what I should be doing, but I just don't get it. The minutes go by and I still haven't done anything.

Do you know that feeling as a kid when you are sitting im front of your homework, trying to get it done, but you just don't understand it? You know you have to do it otherwise you'll get into trouble, but you just can't do it. You just sit there getting increasingly frustrated, thinking you can't to anything. That resignation, slowly turns into anger, you just want to take the whole stuff and chuck it out off the window. Maybe you even go through with it, kick things or throw them around and then the worst part: Tears. Suddenly the lump in your throat gets way to big. You don't want to cry, knowing it's stupid, but you just can't help yourself. Angry tears spill from your eyes and before you know it, you're full on crying, feeling absolutely miserable and you're still not one bit further with what you were supposed to do.

Well, long story short: That is exactly how I'm feeling right now. I'm so angry, I could punch the screen or kick the waste bin beneath my desk. I want to scream and cry and have a full on tantrum just like a small child.

Of course being a sensible adult, I don't do  any of that. I lean back, trying to control my breathing. I feel the anger boiling within me like a volcano ready to erupt and I can't help myself.

"For fucks sake" I exclaim, taking one of the empty sheets of paper on my desk and tear it in half. I'm so angry, so frustrated I feel myself trembling all over with emotion.

I see Dec looking up at me, his face a mixture of shock and concern.

"What's wrong?" he asks, when he finds his voice after a few seconds.

I avoid looking him the eye, I'm gripping the edge of my desk hard, my voice shaking with emotion.

"I can't do this. I just don't get it" I fling my hand in the direction of my screen.

That is when the lump in my throat takes over. Tears flood my eyes and I bite down on my lip, partly to keep the tears at bay, partly to control the anger still trying to vent itself.

"I hate this" I whimper brokenly and once that is out I begin to cry, and I cry hard.

I feel absolutely pathetic as I bury my face in my hands, sobbing uncontrollably.

Never have I thought I would lose it like that. I guess the exhaustion from the past couple of weeks helps. I had lost my patience and calmness. Everything suddenly got to me a lot more easily and today it seems I had reached my breaking point.

I can only imagine Dec sitting opposite of me right now, stunned, not having expected his best mate to break down like that and certainly not at work.

I flinch in surprise when his strong hands settle on my shoulders. I haven't heard him come closer over the sound of my sobs.

"Shh" he hushes me gently. "Come here"

I feel his arms wrap around my upper body, encouraging me to stand up. I do and immediately fall into him, my legs suddenly weak and shaky and I'm so grateful for him in that moment.

He might be a little smaller than me, but he is strong and his hold on me firm and unwavering. 

I take my hands away from my face and weakly wrap my arms around his shoulders. With them out of the way, I feel his arms tightening around me, pulling me even closer.

I don't even feel ashamed anymore when I turn my head, burying my face in his neck, my tears soaking his skin almost immediately as well as my ragged moist breath hitting the side of his neck. I'm pretty sure my nose is running as well judging by my wet sniffles. I'm truly a mess, but I don't care and to be honest, there is no stopping my tears anyway.

Dec doesn't seem to mind. He just holds me close to him, rocking us ever so slightly.
I had expected him to try and hush me, but that isn't the case. He knows I have to let this out and stays silent throughout.

Actions speak louder than words anyway and his hug does just that. At one point though I still try to stifle my tears, but he notices almost immediately.

"Stop that" he scolds me gently and moves his hand up to the back of my neck. "Just let it out" he whispers and pulls back a little, giving me a gentle, reassuring little kiss on my cheek, before immediately pulling me back in as my tears overwhelm me once more.

I'm overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by my emotions as well as by my best friends gentle nature and understanding. Dec is truly one of the kindest, most understanding people ever and I'm so happy to call him my best friend. I love him with all my heart and right now with the way he is holding and reassuring me through my breakdown, I know he loves me just as much and that is one of the best feelings in the world.

Gradually I begin to calm down, harsh sobs turning into little sniffles and hiccups. There is no anger left, work is long forgotten. I feel drained and a lot lighter than before.

Having been exhausted before, that breakdown now has truly done me in. Almost my whole weight is on Dec as I lay there in his arms, but he doesn't budge. He keeps on holding me, letting me rest on him. He knows how I must feel right now.

"Thank you" I say after a while, my voice sounding hoarse and thick.

"No worries" he whispers and slowly pulls back.

Our eyes meet properly for the first time since we entered our office.  He smiles reassuringly at me. I surprisingly don't feel embarrassed.

"Come on" he says softly and takes my hand, leading me into the small bathroom that belongs to our office.

I catch a sight of me in the mirror. *I just had a good cry* seems to be written all over my face. Blotchy red eyes, snotty nose and tears all over my cheeks. I can't remember the last time I looked like this.

"Splash your face, pal" Dec turns the tap on before putting a warm hand on my back.

I bent down and relish the feeling of cool water on my flushed face, before blowing my nose making sure all the snot is gone.

When I'm done, Dec hands me one of the white towels and I quickly dry my face, feeling a lot better than a few minutes ago even though my exhaustion is still more than apparent.

Dec smiles knowingly when I can't suppress a little yawn.

"We can have a break, you look in desperate need of a nap" he says and stirs me back into the office and over to the comfy sofa we have in one corner of the room.

I settle down without complaint, already feeling my tiredness taking over. My eyes droop. Dec tucks a blanket around my shoulders and strokes the side of my head gently. Right now I feel a lot younger than my 42 year old self, but I can't care less and let Dec do the looking after.

"We'll talk later. Just rest now" he smiles and I nod softly.

Usually it's me looking after him. It's kinda nice to be taken care of for once and I won't complain, secretly knowing that Dec is just as content with this change of roles. Besides I'm far to tired to argue about it.

"Thanks" I whisper once again.

Dec gives me a little nod and a smile. Seconds later I'm fast asleep.