Life is a roller coaster

I'm Sorry

*Rain*

Have you ever regretted something so much that it hurts? That you just wish to turn everything back to how it was before? I have and every day after I walked out of that door I have been anything but happy. I have been living with my parents and I have been trying to forget the way Kyle's eyes filled with pain and betrayal but that never happened. Every night I close my eyes I always see him. I see the way his eyes filled with tears when he saw the text that Mike had sent me.

God, I wish I never had met with him after everything he's done to me while we were together, but I knew him. The day that I met up with him I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew that if I wanted Kyle to be safe that I had to do whatever Mike wanted to do with me and not do anything to anger him. I had gone to the police station after I had walked out of the apartment that I shared with Kyle and told them what Mike planned to do to him.

I was afraid of Mike regardless of how much I had pretended to love him.  I hated how I had treated Kyle whenever he told me he loved me. I regret everything that happened to us because it was my fault. I messed everything up because I wanted to protect Kyle even though I knew Kyle could very well protect himself from Mike. The moment that my eyes landed on the man that I had missed so much, my heart felt like it was going to burst through my chest, tears welled up in my eyes and I wanted nothing more than to jump into his arms and tell him how sorry I was for messing our relationship up.

His eyes looked dull, there were dark circles under his eyes and his once perfectly styled hair was nothing but a mess.

He reached his hand to my cheek and hesitated for a second before it touched my face and I nuzzled his palm and looked into his eyes raising my hands and signing I'm so sorry, so sorry for everything god Kyle I am so sorry I messed up so much that I don't know what to do with myself anymore. Please forgive me for hurting you all those years ago, I never meant to cause you any pain. I did love you but I was afraid of him, so very afraid of him. I didn't know how to leave him without fearing for your safety. Every time I told him that I was going to leave him, he threatened to kill you and I didn't want you to be hurt.

I know you don't believe me but please understand that I did it to protect you. Mike has been nothing but a bad part of my life that I want to forget because the only good thing in my life was you and will always be you I was hyperventilated by this point but I couldn't stop and didn't stop until I was in his arm. His arms were just as strong as they were three years ago.

I grabbed onto him like a safety net because that's exactly what he was. He was my haven and will always be that. He saved me from a life of pain and sorrow and I should have known that Kyle would do everything to keep me and himself safe from Mike. I was so stupid to think that I could protect him when I knew he didn't need protecting. We stayed like that for who knows how long before we pulled away from each other. I looked into his eyes and I saw just how much he loved me and I could feel tears burning in the back of my eyes. The emotions swimming in his eyes were so intense that it made my heart beat fast and break at the same time.

Shh, it's alright Rain, its OK he signed but I shook my head, how could he forgive me so easily after everything I did to him? He should hate me not forgive me. Why is he so nice? Why couldn't he hate me as I hate myself for hurting him? God, why can he just hate me? I messed up so bad that I wish he wouldn't forgive me, but at the same time, I want him to just hold me and tell me that everything will be OK and that he loves me even if I don't deserve him.

I love you Rain no matter what, you're the best and will always be the most important thing in my life. You are the only one that I will ever love. I forgive you for everything that happened. You are my reason to live Rain and I just want to start over again with you from where we left off. I screwed up when I told you to leave, I wanted you to stay but I was a coward and let you walk out of our home he added and I looked at him with teary eyes and tried to think of something to say but l couldn't. Home was something that I had wanted for so long and now, I have that with the man that I love more than life itself.

I love you too, Kyle, and god I'm so sorry for walking out on you all those years ago. I missed you so freaking much that every time I closed my eyes I saw you and your smile. You make me happy Kyle and I regret ever leaving you for him. My life has been but hell while living with him. I want to come home, please take me home I signed to him, tears falling down my cheeks, I want to leave. I had to get away from here because I knew that Mike will look for me and make it harder to get away.

Let's go home, Rain he signed as he stood up with me in his arms, I buried my face in his chest as he walked away back in the direction of h-Our apartment. I was finally back with the love of my life and I wasn't going to screw up again.