We're All Liars

You.

You're a liar. But you're not the stereotypical type of liar who lies to get out of trouble, or anything. You're the kind of liar who lies to make their life seem interesting. You lie because you want the attention it brings. You tell yourself that if your life isn't the slightest bit interesting to them, you're useless. You avoid people like me. Cast me aside just like everyone else who was there for you. If we don't have a story to tell you, what's the point in keeping us around? We're already quiet, boring, and basic. We do our absolute best to find out the latest drama just so you know we'll always have your back. You're afraid to be left alone again. Even if it means giving up what's left of your dignity you will do it. Just so you won't be less than what you think you already are. But you're wrong. You're loved already for who you are and always will be down inside. You've been convinced that if a girl even flirts with you, they want you. You've been told that girls who act innocent are really the dirty ones. You've been told that if you get the chance, you have to act on it. You've been told that even if she refuses you, keep going because she secretly likes it. Which is probably why I was your first victim. I wonder how you're able to live with yourself. Do you remember? Do you remember leading me on, giving me the idea that you were really my soulmate? Was it all fake? The "I love you"s and the "I miss you" or the "I've never met anyone like you before". I was naive. I admit that, it's not all your fault. I was stupid to believe you. I mean, I knew you since the fourth grade. I was there when you needed a helping hand with your mother's attempted suicides. When your father neglected you. I was there for both you and your younger sister. I was always there to lend you an hear, a shoulder, anything you needed. I risked everything for you. But, that's my fault. I guess I just didn't expect you to change into that. I guess I had this idea of you being a prince, the love of my life. I soon found myself falling in love with you, deeply. I guess I should've noticed your changes when you stopped giving me hugs when you had to go or when you started to drift away. Now that I think about it, it was pretty obvious how much you've changed. It was definitely random when you suddenly had a change of heart and started to talk to me again. Telling me you were sorry, that you should've never let me go. Hell, I should've officially realized I wasn't talking to the you I knew when you sang to me. Regardless of your changes, you were, and always will be, the first man I have ever loved. As time when on, I found myself doubting your words at times but then you invited me over, I was so elated to finally see you and spend time with you face to face that nothing else mattered. I cancelled going to the movies with friends for you. I wish I went with them. To this day, I'll always regret that day. I pushed away my friends for you. That when I went over, I planned nothing more than to hug you, play with your dogs, and just watch a movie with you. I would've never imagined that you'd attempt to rape me. When I walked into the house, I found it quite odd that no one was home but you just reassured me that they went to the supermarket. When we entered your room I admired the way everything was neatly organized and I loved the photo of you when you were a baby with your father. The whole time I noticed you were staring at me and I confused the look in yours eyes for longing when really they were just lustful and mischievous. It was then you told me you wanted to watch a movie but instead we ended up watching Friends. Then you somehow convinced me to play firetruck and at first you were trickling me and we ended up laying on the bed. I can't remember how it all happened but I definitely recall you becoming touchy and I would push your arms away thinking you were messing around because the you I knew, was always playful. Then you forced yourself on me. I remember feeling trapped. I remember you grabbing my wrists and pinning them above my head. I remember struggling to be released. I remember crying and begging you to stop because I was terrified of you at this point. I remember the feeling of you warm hands touching me against my will. I remember that smile on your face. A smile I've never seen before from you and it terrifies me. That smile is always there when I close my eyes. That smile haunts me to this day. I remember telling you to stop. I remember saying no a few times but it was as if you couldn't hear anything besides your own laughter. It was you who taught me to never let another person in. It was me who decided to push away all my friends and build a wall around my heart but it was you who made me feel the need to do such a thing. Yet, even after everything you did to me, there's a little part of my heart that longs for the old you. The you I fell in love with. But like I've already been told, that you doesn't exist anymore. You've changed, grown up I guess you could call it. You still try to reach out to me at times. But I'd prefer if you didn't. I can't tell what's real about you anymore. I can't tell if you really mean it when you call me. Or when you say you miss me. I can't tell if what you miss is me, or if you miss the feeling of your hands roaming my body while I struggled against your grip. Ever since then, I've been a liar. I tell people that the last time I saw you in person, was the best day of my life. But really, we both know it wasn't. I've somehow fooled everyone into thinking I'm happier. That I'm carefree but now I second guess myself when it comes to what I wear. I never wear shorts or skirts anymore. Anything that shows more than my ankles, I don't allow. I wear large shirts or big hoodies that will always cover my behind. I hide whatever curves I have. I can't go anywhere without being tense. I can't talk to anyone without trembling beneath their smiles or clawing at my skin to prevent myself from throwing up. I can't smile the same. I can't laugh the same. It feels weird. I feel hollow. For the first few months after the incident I ate so much trying to fill up the emptiness I feel but it never worked. No matter if I ate til I puked, it never filled up the emptiness. So almost a year later, I find myself distracting myself constantly. I bring watch any shows I can, I read all the books I own over a million times. I go to a support group, even though I cannot bring myself to talk about what happened that day because I feel as though it's all my fault that it happened. That somehow I gave you the wrong idea. That I led you on somehow or wore something that made you aroused. Maybe it was the tight jeans. Or maybe my shirt wasn't long enough. Who knows. To this day I still wonder what it was. You've made me a liar, I honestly think I lie about everything. I lie when I say "It doesn't bother me," or when I say "I could care less" when in reality, I care so much. I lie when I say I don't miss you, when we both know you have me still wrapped around your finger. I know I shouldn't but I always wonder how you're doing and when I close my eyes I'm always going to see your innocent smile before I see that terrifying one. Regardless of how horrible you were to me. I lied when I told you about how well I slept when really, I laid awake all night tossing and turning and wondering, what's the point? Sometimes at 3am, I find myself thinking about giving it up because the longer this goes on, the harder it is to fake a smile. The harder it is to pretend I'm happy. The longer it is to hold on. But hey, it's not your fault. You've convinced yourself it's not anyone's fault but mine. You've even convinced me. You've told me it was my fault. That I let this happen and that no one else is to blame. Guess what? I think you've won.