My World

Jams

An ocean, with sharks. That's what I would use to describe my life. My name is Jams. Jams? Yes, Jams. Well that's at least what my friends call me. Who am I kidding, that's what my friend calls me. As in singular. I'm 14, currently living in New York, New York. The city is not ideal. I mean it's fun and all, but there is a lot of people. I'm not a people person.

Back to my friend. Her name is Logan. Yeah I thought the same thing! I guess Logan is a girl name too. I've known her almost my whole life. You may be wondering why she calls me Jams. Well when we were little I used to eat Smucker's Grape Jam like it was ice cream. I don't do that anymore though. Jam makes me sick.

Another thing about Logan is that she has Glioblastoma. It's a very aggressive cancer in the brain. She was diagnosed 4 in a half years ago. The doctors said she had a 25% survival rate to survive to 5 years. So we have been making the past 4 in a half years worth while. For her Make a Wish we met Taylor Swift. We also took a trip to Hawaii, Puerto Rico, and got to go to Disneyland in a California. That was only a few weeks ago. I guess i'm writing this because Logan is so sick. It's never been this bad. I am super worried.

Worried. Well I guess you should learn about me. I have every type of anxiety you can possibly think of. Social is one of the ones I struggle with the most. I guess you can tell, I only have one friend and i'm not a people person. My anxiety got so bad 2 years ago I had to become home schooled. I guess it was okay because Logan was home schooled because of her condition. Ever since then we have grown closer together. I have the biggest crush on her brother, Jackson. Jackson is two years older than me.  He has blond hair and crystal blue eyes. He has tan skin too. He is amazing.

Also, I live with my older sister, Sarah. My mom passed away when I was 10. My sister was 18 at the time so we continued to live in the small apartment we moved into with my mother. I never met my father. He lives in Seattle, Washington. My sister never got to go back to school after my mom passed. She always had to take care of me. Our dad sends us money every month. Enough for food and rent.

On the other hand Logan lives in the pent house in our apartment building. Her family is loaded. Her father is almost never around. He is the owner of a small private business called Bow Wow Ties in Maine. He sells really expensive ties. 

Logan has been my only family really for the past 4 years. I've been there for her and she has been here for me. My sister is always going to bars and doesn't get home till 1 am. Me and Logan are actually really close with her when she is around. Sometimes Sarah takes me and Logan out in the city. We have mini parties when Logan's mom and brother are gone. Also did I mention that Logan's brother is the only reason they are still here. He is a model. They were gonna move to were Logan's dad lives but Jackson got a job. Mr. Lex lives in Maine where Bow Wow Ties headquarters is.

I guess i'm writing this because the doctors gave Logan an estimation of 5 more months. We got this news yesterday. I cannot imagine life without her. It's hard to think about it so I try not to, but if i didn't have such bad anxiety I could forget. The doctor also said that Logan's cancer has gone terminal. That hit me hard. She can't be cured from the constant pain she goes through. 

The bad thing was after two years of receiving radiation she went into remission. Then it came back about a year ago. Yesterday was her last radiation session. That brings us to now. Sitting on Logan's couch in her over sized living room, looking out at the view of the city. Logan's head is resting on my lap, asleep. 

"Bailey, do want some water or something?" Mrs. Lex asks me.

 "No ma'am, i'm okay at the moment. Maybe in a little bit." I looked down at Logan's head and smiled. Today was one of those days for her. All she needed was rest. She looked so peaceful sleeping. Her golden brown hair was spread across my lap. Logan hadn't lost her hair because she only got radiation, no chemo. Her skin was as pale as ever.

An hour later Logan lifts up her head off my legs and sat up. "How long was I out Jams?"

"A good hour in a half, Loges." I smirked at her.

"My head is killing me." Logan had frequent headaches because of the tumor. Sometimes she even had seizures. 

"I'm sorry Loves, can I get you anything?"

"No, can we go on a walk?" Logan loved walking in central park more than anything. We would walk for hours just talking. Sometimes Sarah would even join us with her boyfriends. 

"Yeah sure thing." I helped her onto the wheelchair. She's been really weak in the past couple of weeks so the doctor gave us a wheelchair for her. 

I wheel her over to the door and shout up to Karen. "Karen, we are going on a walk! Call us if you need anything!"

"Okay Bailey, but I think the correct word would be stroll. I don't think Logan will be doing much walking." Logan and I let out a small snicker and I roll her out the door.

Central park is only a 10 minute walk from the apartment building. On the way over Logan asked if we could go to Starbucks. Of course she got an iced coffee. 

We made it to the park and I found a bench to sit on. I roll Logan in front of me. 

"Listen Jams, please don't be upset." Logan looks up at me with her big brown eyes.

"Be upset at what Loves?" I was puzzled at what Logan was talking about.

"You know. When i'm gone." I looked at her and her eyes welled with tears.

"Logan, why are you thinking like that?" my eyes started to water as a tear left her eye.

"Bailey." She tilted her head towards me. "I'm gonna die soon. You can't be upset." that's when it started. I let myself go. My head fell into Logan's lap and I covered my face with my hands. I feel her bear hug me. I didn't care who was watching. 

"It's gonna be okay Jams. I promise. You'll be okay." I don't think Logan got what was happening. I lift my head up. 

"Logan, you are my only family. My mom passed, my dad is on the other side of the country and iv'e never had a real conversation with him, and my sister she is a drunk and i'm pretty sure she is doing drugs too. You're my world." That came from my heart. 

"Oh, Bailey." Logan reached her hand over and started to wipe away my tears.

"You're my world too Jams."