Opening The Closet Door

Augst 3, 2013

Dear, Diary 

        Well today  I turn 15 and my grandmother got me a journel to "express" my feelings because apparently teenage years are hard and I should have some place to talk about my feelings, goals, dreams, etc. I have been into my teen years for 3 years by now and been through a ton before I even reached my teen years! I don't feel that this diary will help much but we will see... I mean there are many things I wish I could take back but I mean lets start with as far back as I can remember.

       I was 12 in the 6th grade, me and my family lived in Montana! I attended Miss Eckins School For Girls. Oh can I count the ways to hate that school! It was a boarding school so I lived on campus, honestly I feel that my parents did that to get rid of me for 210 days out of 350 of the year. I would always send letters, phone call, and emails to my parents but never recieved a response unless it was a 1-3 sentence postcard from some other state, city, providence or country talking about their vacation never once did I hear an I miss you. At MES we had parent visit days and never once did they come to visit I wasn't to big of a concern in their book. When I attended MES I had one bestfriend and we were both what you would call "Loners" I hate to categorize but honestly that is the best way for you to understand it, we were physically and mentally bullied. We didn't think much of it when we were together and I don't know about her but when I went back to my room I would cry for hours on edge, nothing helped me stop crying but Brooklyn she was always there for me and she had my back like I had hers! Me and Brooklyn had a lot in common espically when it came to parents.

      The next thing I truly remeber was 7th grade, I had just turned 13 a month before school started and boy was I happy to go and see Brooklyn, this feeling of excitement was all new and very real to me it was strange to love someone because I have never loved someone and no one has loved me before. The friendship and caring things were all new to me but Brooklyn helped me and made me not so afraid anymore! I had just arrived to school I was really excited and I couldn't wait to get checked in and find Brooklyn. I went to my dorm advisor who was the same from last year. She was tall with thick dirty blonde hair with piercing blue eyes they were soft and welcoming like the sky and to top it off her skin was soft like cotton candy but yet firm as if she had worked out regularly. Samantha was her name and she had informed me that me and Brooklyn would be sharing a dorm together this year! My heart dropped as if I had went on that roller coaster that takes you up extermley high and drops you before you know it, I felt all these different emotions but all around I was excited I felt this small tingle in the bottom of my stomach as if something were in there I was worried I may have been sick so I thanked Samantha and continued to my dorm. I reached the dorm to find Brooklyn, she looked a little different not so much physically but more developed. You could tell she had started puberty already, She was about 4'6 and had soft green eye with these very pink and plump lips just always looking so kissable and smooth, also her hair was a light golden blonde and reached down about one inch above her hips which were very visable she had many curves which I thought was very appealing. She came and hugged me and for the first 25 minutes we embrassed each other and continued to say how much we missed each other.

After we had said how much we miss each other and all we unpacked our bags and agreed to head down to the dinning hall. She told me about her changes and her transformation into womenhood and I was excited for her! I had barley changed as compared to her massive 10B as to where I still was a 10A on the chest and her butt had changed into as if she were 15 years old! I felt so different around her now, I felt like I had a physical and deeper emotional attraction to her and I felt as if she was constintaly flirting with me and we both liked it. I thought this feeling was wierd and unnatural, so I never actually talked to her about it out of the fear of her thinking I was wired or a creep. Later that night when I and Brooklyn went back to our dorm we talked about our life at home that past summer she had told me about this friend girl that she started becoming friends with in her neighborhood, she explained to be this girl was 14 years old and showed me a picture of her cellphone. Becky was her name she looked pretty tall and very mature she had jet black hair and wore makeup and had light hazel eyes that hit your soul like a dagger, but Brooklyn explained to me how this girl was new and different that others in many ways she was interested in girl and girls only. Brooklyn continued to tell me that Becky was something called a "lesbian" meaning that she likes girls like we would like boys, I was confused and interested to learn more about this being "lesbian" thing. I know that I am suppose to like boys but I have loved Brooklyn since I first seen her and would want to be with her like I should be with a boy. I am very confused about everything diary.

Till next time! See you around.

August 5, 2013

Dear, Diary

Hey Diary I haven't written in a few day but I have a lot to say that's for sure! I went to the library the other day and found out that this "lesbian" is some big business and there is a big community called "LGBT community" Meaning Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender  and I searched these acronyms and they are interesting I didn't think that people could like the same gender! I am still not sure if I am lesbian I mean I could be bisexual which means you like boys and girls but at all I know at this time is I love Brooklyn way more then a friend. The other day me and Brooklyn had a movie night and she slept on my bed with me and we cuddled, which we have never done I know I liked it but I still don't know how she felt about it but I will fight out I just don't know how to ask her. I mean could I really know if I like girls at this age? Any ways today I sat with Brooklyn in the field and we held hands while we studied but I see some girls do this while they walk it is a friend thing so I am confused I also am a little scared, I wonder if my mom and dad know about LGBT and if they would be mad at me if I liked girls.. I don't know what to do. I mean they have to love me right? I am still there kid just a little different then everyone else right? this doesn't make me a freak right? I just need to get my head straight and stop worrying. Anyways I have to go diary I am meeting Brooklyn for smoothies.

See you soon, till next time diary

xoxo

August 6, 2013

Dear Diary,

Hey Diary I am back I figured out how I will ask Brooklyn if she likes me she admitted to me that Becky had her which did make me mad but its okay because I found out that she liked it, I really think she likes girls but after she confessed this she took it back like she made a mistake to say it. But I am going to text her next weekend when I am off campus for a science weekend field trip, I think this is s amazing idea because she has a full 3 days to think if she likes me or forget that I even said anything. Smart huh? I think so, I am going to butter her up before I leave though so that way when she thinks about if she likes me she remembers how I treated her! I bought her a flower from the school gift store and I set it up in a vase next to her bed and then I am taking her to a nice sushi restaurant on campus wish me luck! I will write about tonight later or tomorrow!

Bye diary

XOXOXO