Short Stories

Ouch--Mistake!

Now many people these days find it too socially awkward to interact with other people outside the computer. It's an internet-born illness, if you like, transmitted through blogs and picked up in chat rooms if you don't wash your hands. As a doctor I am obligated to recommend orange juice, but something tells me your computer would disagree. Doubly so if it's an Apple. But every now and then social awkwardness effects the best of us. I know I myself sometimes have trouble with the most basic human interactions, so to that end I've put together a sort of cheat-sheet of mistakes people commonly make.

After all, someone very wise (was it Plato? Aristotle?) once said, “Smart people learn from their mistakes. But the real sharp ones, well, they learn from everyone else's mistakes.”

Always brings a tear to my eye, that quote does.

Scenario 1: The Grocery Store

Let's follow hapless Timmy as he goes into a Giant grocery store. For someone of his self-esteem, that could refer to a brand name (Giant ©) or that existential feeling that the world around him is large and frightening. Let's assume the first.

Timmy goes up and down every aisle, filling his cart with those things that no one else will judge him for. He feels that familiar sense of creeping paranoia as he tries to decide between Skippy's and Jiff's Peanut Butter, wondering what a psychologist would intuit from his preference for creamy to crunchy.

Lastly, Timmy arrives at the checkout counter.

“Hello, there! Find everything you were looking for okay?” asks the cute bagger girl.

“Mmmmmmrrrrrrrrrwumph,” expresses Timmy.

“Pardon, sir?”

“Hrrrraaaawwwiiiimmmmmmrumffff,” he opines, this time more forcefully.

Oh, Timmy! He's made that classic mistake of keeping one's jaw clamped while attempting to talk!

Don't pull a Timmy. Move your jawbone at the same time as expelling air through your vocal cords. You'll get better with practice.

Scenario 2: The Restaurant.

So Timmy was unable to complete his purchase at Giant, and so will have to eat out tonight. He sits down at a cafe just filled with people, most of whom have much happier and more successful lives, probably. Timmy scans the menu. He knows what he'll have: the generic special that one-fourth of the restaurant is currently having. It's safer that way.

The waitress comes over. “Are you ready to order sir?”

“Yes,” says Timmy softly.

Good on you, Timmy! You separated your mouth slightly. Progress.

“Good. And what'll it be?”

“...” Timmy wordlessly orders his dinner, staring straight ahead like a deer in the headlights.

“Excuse me?”

“...” Timmy nearly triples his volume from zero decibels to also zero decibels (because 0 x X = 0 For all X, remember?).

“Sir, do you need another minute?”

“Yes,” thinks Timmy.

“Alright, you know what, I'm just going to back away. I do not got paid nearly enough for this.”

Oh, Timmy, you silly-billy! You've forgotten that telepathy is not accepted as a valid form of communication in the continental United States OR Hawaii! Better luck next time...