Ghost-Mother is Haunting (and Nagging) Me

"Your mother wanted an abortion but she changed her mind when I offered her 1 million US dollars."

I didn't know whether to feel joy for my father who had saved me, or hatred for my mother who wanted to kill me. So I felt both.

I experienced the emotions of joy and hatred at the same time. That's like eating the juiciest organic fair-trade banana dipped in the liquid from a factory farm lagoon.

The overwhelm was too much, my legs shook, my arms trembled, then I fell to the floor and everything went dark.

After I graduading High School, I made a vow to find my mother's grave.

Since the day I fainted, I spent three years traveling the world, going to the places she had been, talking to the people she knew, and finally pressing the prayer beads to her gravestone, I had found her.

Dad only told me that she was dead. He never told me she was an undead bitch.

"Audrey, you have to go to Harvard to find a good husband," said the pale blue semi-flurorescent spirit of my mother as she hovered over me, "preferably one with a PHD."

"Mom, I don't think you noticed since you're dead but we are in a recession right now. PHDs are lucky if they even can get a job at McBurger."

"Besides I don't want to be dependent on a man, after this journey is over, I'll be heading out to Silicon Valley to become an Independant Entrepreneur.

"Audrey, that may seem like a good idea, but silicon implants will harm your baby when you breatfeed."

"Mom, I said Silicon Valley, not Silicon Implants, besides I don't have a baby."

"You will one day."

"Ugh. Anyways mom it was nice seeing you (not), but my train leaves in 3 hours and I need to go so have a nice afterlife and goodbye."

"What do you mean goodbye? I'm comming with you."

"What?! NO."

 "Yes, you grew up raised by an reclusive millionaire, you obviously need a mother to teach you good manners and how to find a good husband.

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no."

"Besides, I'll be groovy fun having a ghost by your side, giving you advice on everything you do."

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no."

"It's not like you have a choice Audrey. You, the human, opened the gate to the hell, and only I, your ghost-mother, can close it."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

And that is how my days of insanity began.

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