I made a list once. My therapist suggested it. To help me make better choices in partners.
The list would be of the top five characteristics I must have in a partner. This is the list:
1 a spiritual life or working a program
2 honest
3 sense of humor
4 hold a conversation (not about sports &gossip)
5 affectionate
(you can find it here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4501_enq.html )
That was it. Skip ahead two years. The partner I chose; I was finding out, was that she really likes a game which I deem a waste of time. For her it is a game, fun, play. So I am dissatisfied with my relationship and I don't want to be. I call a longtime friend who also has a Masters Degree in Social Work.
She reminds me that I used to be w/ people who gave me black eyes (well only one, says my minimizing self) and chased me w/ guns. I don't have any of that w/ this partner. So what is your beef?
I assumed, figured, guessed, supposed..that if she had the five, she would most certainly have all the other things I liked. o.k. Faulty logic on my part. I'm human (though sometimes I don't want to be). I get to make changes to the only thing i've a little control over – ME.
It was time to make a gratitude list. (learned that in AA, NA, CODA, SA) I soon realized that my now partner has my top five needs and then some. Things I didn't know I needed and really liked. She is marvelous.
So i've taken up gardening and writing. Taking advice I give the tv set often...”minding my business and leaving other folks alone.” What it's like now?.. We meet each other through out the day...take a smoke break together, talk about b'fast or lunch...what i'm doing to the yard...the cats...the birds..the dog..and I like it that way. It is a sweet and peaceful life. I am so blessed.
Empirical evidence that this may be viable option for other: still relationship – 4.5 years now. No police involvement. No hospital or doctor visits. Under the same roof at night and the next morning..there is her smiling face. She still loves me! I'm a mess... so glad she doesn't write.
