Everything is crashing down.
Falling faster each day.
Each passing second feels worse then the last.
Tears coming easier, hotter, and fall faster... I don't know what to do.
I'm always numb.
Then when I'm alone the pain comes in waves each wave more painful then the last.
Are you afraid to die?
Well, I feel as if I'm dying every damn second.
All I have is him.
He stayed he didn't leave when I messed up.
Then, he lied to me and another incident happened( I'll get to that later)
Now I'm trying to move on.
We haven't spoken for days but these days have been hell
Day one:
I woke up. 9:30. 3 messages and 2 missed calls. None from him. He's probably asleep it's summertime. I start typing him a message then remember I told him I wasn't texting him first anymore. So then I fell back asleep. 12:30. 5 messages none from him. He is probably playing video games and thinks I'm still asleep. 2:30
He would of texted me by now. 10:30 pm. I'm freaking out he hasn't texted me all day! He is probably busy. It's ok. 2 am he posted a picture on Instagram two minutes ago. He should have texted me today! Oh well. Maybe he thinks I'm asleep. He'll text me tomorrow.
Day two:
10:45. I'm tired. I check my phone as usual. One message. Of course it isn't him. Today feels worse then yesterday. We always text. We never miss a day!
I want to text him but, I know if I do. He will act like nothing happened and if I ask why he didn't text me yesterday then he will lie again. 1:30. Nothing. I need to stop checking my phone. It's making it worse. I now know why he isn't texting me. He doesn't care. So why should I? Because I love him. That's why. 9:00 pm. This is literally driving me insane and he knows it. I've typed him a message a thousand times today but I can't bring myself to sending it. Midnight. Nothing. He lied again. He said he cared about me and wasn't going to leave me. Well, where is he now? I don't know and I don't care! I just want a message telling me the truth! But, I'm not going to get one. 3:00 am. Still nothing. Day three here I come!
Day three:
'11:30. I woke up. Tears streaming down my face. I realized it's over he isn't gonna text me and tell me he is sorry or that he cares. Everything was a lie. Here I was believing all that bullshit. Not a single word he said to me was true. I don't care if he gets on his hands and knees begging me to forgive him. I just can't. I've forgiven him way too much. Not again. Never again. He is pulling me under deeper then I was before. I will not drown because of him. Not now. Not here.
Day four:
He actually texted me. He told me how sorry he was and that it wouldn't happen again and that his phone had died. I forgave him. I don't know why I just did. Maybe it was because of joy? I don't know and don't care. Why do I put myself through this if I know he is just going to lie to me again? Why him? That runs through my head over and over. Again and again. Never ending loop.
*flashback*
He held my by my waist and played with my hair. He looked me in the eye. Smiled. Then said " I love you. Don't ever forget that ok?" Then he kissed me over and over again. Telling me he would never hurt me. No promising me he would never hurt me. But, he did. He hurt me. Again and again.
*flashback ends*
I believed him. With all of me. I trusted him. I knew he was lying though. But, honestly he let me believe him. I still believe him. Why? I don't know. I don't think I ever will know. Just like that I instantly didn't care. Why does he pull me in then let me go like I don't matter. When I know I don't to him. I'm just another girl he lied to and doesn't give a damn about. Why can't I move on? Because I love him. I can finally admit it.
*************************************
"Babe, are you ok?" "Yes" I lied. I found out that morning exactly what he was about to do to me. But I didn't dare say a word. I kept quiet because I knew what was coming next " I hate to do this" he Began." But, your a beautiful and amazing girl but I want to just be friends with you are you ok?" "Yes I'm fine" I said my eyes filling with tears. I started to walk away when he screamed my name tears started falling so I ran.
*************************************
Beep, beep, beep, beep. I rolled over and hit snooze I wasn't ready for the new day. I don't want to have to deal with checking my phone every single second of the day. Because I'm so damn obsessed. I need to stop. But, I mentally and physically can't. Why am I like this? Why do I care so much? Why? Why? Ugh! This is too damn much! Music. I need music. I put my earbuds in and blast it at full sound. I slowly drift into numb sleep.
Day eight:
Numb. That's all I feel. My vision blurs. Slowly focusing. Hit tears hit my face before I realize I'm crying.
He doesn't care. He never will. Get over him. He stopped texting me 3 days ago. This is day four. This hurts like hell. But I know it will be okay in the end. I don't understand how caring about him hurts so much. So I sit and read our messages for hours.
Him: morning
Me : morning
Him: how'd you sleep?
Me: ehhh. U?
Him: pretty good actually. I'm worried about your sleeping. I care you know....
Stop no he doesn't. Don't even think for one second that he does. It will only drag you deeper. You pretty close to the top don't let him pull you under again.
Yes, it's going to hurt. It's going to hurt for awhile. But your gonna be okay. Lock your phone and don't read anymore. You can do this.'
He is gone. Officially. It's been a month I'm fine. I'm good. Finally time to face what happened... He used me for his sexual pleasures and too cheat on his girlfriend. I'm not going into detail what happened. But I will say it wasn't nice. It felt nice but the ending result wasn't nice. Hard to explain without going into detail. He claims he sorry and that he'd never do it to any one again. But it doesn't change that he did it too me.
Why'd you run away? He asked
Because you hurt me. I said
This is based on a true story but I added stuff so people wouldn't know who it was.
