"Yeah, okay, I get why someone would stay up late to study and stuff, but why the actual fuck would anyone take a class that they have to study for constantly if they're not even really interested in it?!" Alya opened the door to the apartment with so much force that it almost flew against the wall. Her best friend shrugged and closed the door much more gentle.
"I don't know, but that sounds stupid. Who did that?" Michelle asked.
"My sister. I mean, sure, astronomy is kinda interesting, but it's something you would look up in your free time for two weeks and then forget about it. But no, and now she is whining about how much time and effort she has to bring up for it!"
"Aww, poor Alya. How about we make something to eat? I'm starving." Michelle put her backpack into her room and then came back to the kitchen, where she began to make pancakes.
"How was your day so far?"
"It was okay, although a few people misgendered me. Just the usual stuff." Alya set the table with a little more force than necessary.
"I'm sorry. Hopefully it'll change within the next weeks, when people get used to it." Michelle tried to comfort her best friend, knowing how much it hurt when people used the wrong name and pronouns.
"But I have been on hormones for like 6 months and I don't even look like a female yet. Every time I look in the mirror, I always hate the ugly looking monster looking back at me. I'm just so ugly. I just wished all of this would happen quicker," Alya said with disgust.
Michelle sighed deeply. It did not matter how often she told her best friend that she definitely wasn't ugly, she could not believe her. Too many people had already told her otherwise and so Michelle could only try to repair some of Alya's self esteem.
"You do know that there are more than two types of beauty, right?" She asked. Alya nodded. "And you do believe me that you are beautiful, even if you can't see it because you define beauty in a different way than other people, right?" Alya nodded again.
"It's just hard to believe that when I look into a mirror."
The girl looked so miserable that Michelle decided to try something. She put the dough in the pan in the most pitiful way she could imagine. The thing in the pan didn't really look like a pancake, it was too crumbled and had too many holes. But somehow that made it pretty, because there were some patterns that reminded her of children's paintings.
"Have a look at the pan", she ordered her best friend. "What do you see?"
"It's a pancake." Alya answered.
"Yes, but how does the pancake look?" Michelle asked
"Like something's not right."
"Exactly. And because of the things that are not normal the pancake is beautiful, in its own way. It isn't like the other ones, it is not normal. But normal isn't the same as good and abnormal is not the same as bad. Do you understand this?"
Alya nodded again.
"And although the pancake isn't normal, you would eat it right?"
"Yes, I mean, it is not burned and I'm sure it'll taste the same."
"Exactly. And I know that you aren't a pancake but you are not like normal people and that isn't something bad. But because you're not normal doesn't mean that you're entirely different. You're human, just like everyone else. And just because you look different does not mean that you're ugly. Do you get this?"
"I just feel like not being normal is not accepted in this hell of a world. I know a lot of people will accept me for being who I am, but its just so hard. Alright, enough of this talk. Let's eat some pancakes"
After they had finished their meal the girls sat in a comfortable silence. Both were a little exhausted after their day in college. "You know that there are a lot of people out there who completely accept you, right?" Michelle gave Alya a stern look. "I know that you faced a lot of intolerant and stupid people, but not everyone is that way. Sure, there will be people that won't accept you, but I think that you should concentrate on the positive ones. Maybe we should look for some LGBT+ group or something in this college, so you could meet some people who have almost the same problems as you."
"I want to be in a LGBT+ group, but I just don't like socializing. I like being a loner. It is what makes my day."
"Duh, I know that. But even if you don't like socializing, you need to get to know someone who truly understands the problems you're facing. As much as I try to help you and support you, I'm not transgender and I can't really understand all that the same way you can, you know? But I think if you knew someone who's also transgender, things would be easier. Humans are weird and all of them need one who's almost like them to make them comfortable in new situations. And college is a delicate thing, even without your issues. So you have every possible right to be unsure and frustrated. But I would very much like to see you happy again. The whole group thing isn't about making you socialize but it's about you sharing your problems with someone who faces the same. Okay?"
"I have a few transgender friends. They are long-distance friends tho. They are the only ones, and of course you, that I can talk to when I'm problems like this. Sometimes I don't even want to be on this world. I have honestly thought about ending everything. I'm glad that I have a best friend like you. If you didn't come into my life, I wouldn't be sitting here in this apartment. This world can be just too much at times," Alya explained.
Michelle just blinked a few times. "Wow, that's... I don't really know what to say right now. That's intense. You don't plan on killing yourself anymore, do you? Because I would totally watch over every single step of you to make sure that you don't do that!"
"I still feel like doing it every once and while. Sometimes it comes for days and then other times its like once or twice a week. I advise you not to watch me every single step of everyday unless you want to see a total bitch come out. Trust me, it won't be pretty. Im honestly glad you would do that for me, but I'm a 20 year-old. I can handle it," replied Alya.
"Yes, of course you can handle that and I did not want to imply that you couldn't. And I already can imagine that it's not pretty. All that I'm saying is that it'll be wayy easier when you have someone next to you when you feel like harming or killing yourself. That's what friends are for and that's what friends want to do. So please don't reject my help. I just want to help you."
"I'm sorry. I just had a bitch moment and got defensive. I don't like people hovering over me. I want the help. I'll be fine as long as I have you by my side. I love you Michelle. Im here to help you if you ever need it as well."
"I know that. And it's okay, everyone has bitch moments. And I know that you can do it alone, I just want to make sure that you know that I'll be there for you." Michelle replied.
"I have something to tell you. I have had romantic feelings towards you for a while and I kept it hidden because I didn't know if you would feel the same way towards me and I still don't know if you have feelings for me. It just needed to come out because it was bothering me for a long time," Alya said.
"Oh- okay. Are... Are there confessions left or is there something else you want to tell me? Because I think I need some time to process all of that. I mean, I already suspected the thing with your suicide thoughts, but it's not easy. Don't feel bad or anything, I just have to clear my mind and think about all of this. And I'm still your best friend. Okay? I just need a little time to grasp fully what you just said."
Michelle tried not to be that cold, but her last relationship had started like this - they had been friends for a while and then they had fallen in love with each other - and that relationship didn't end well. So when Alya confessed her feelings all memories of her time with Tom came back. She walked out of the door and into the cool fresh air. Maybe a little walk would clear her thoughts and help her to find out how to manage this situation.
YOU ARE READING
The Life of a Transgender Woman
RomanceAccompany Alya, a lovely Transgirl, on her journey through her daily life and the problems she has to face.