Life Will Be Okay

This is not a book of any interest to anyone.

       I sat at my house biding my time. It was one of those rainy days where you just want to stay home and listen to sad music. Except it wasn't raining. In fact it was a beautiful spring afternoon, and I was spending the day doing nothing. I wanted to go out and have fun with the nice weather and all, but something just couldn't bring me to drag myself out of bed. I wondered what was wrong with me than even on such a bright happy day like this, I couldn't find happiness anywhere within myself. I attributed this feeling to my ungratefulness and generally awful personality. As I lie in bed running over all of my flaws in my head like a card reader, I heard a loud band.

       "Get out of bed right now, you lazy slob, or I'll dump water all over you!" My mom shrieked from my doorway.

       "You can't just sleep all day, you have responsibilities. You have chores, schoolwork that you're not doing, ext.. If you don't get out of bed right now I am going to take all of your stuff away."

       I knew that she was right, I should probably be doing my homework, which I hadn't done in quite some time. And I should probably care that I'm failing half of my classes, but I didn't. Once I was a deligent student who actually cared about my grades, but this year it changed. It got too hard to keep up, and I didn't care either way. If I failed so what? I would be a failure in life as a grown up anyways, who cares if I fail now? Hell, I probably won't even make it to be a grown up! And as for her taking my stuff away, I could deal with that. I wasn't too attached to my phone or laptop, and I know that I have way too many CDs for her to take out of my room. And my guitar was sacred territory, which I paid for myself, and if she took it away from me my dad would give it back to me.

       I ignored her and turned over. I hated when people yelled at me, and I just wanted to disappear. I pulled the pillow over my head and squeezed my eyes shut, trying to make it all go away. My mom stormed out of the room and slammed the door. I could begin to hear her yell to my dad about how I was such an ungrateful brat and that I was priveleged and shouldn't be acting this way.

       I sighed and put on a Velvet Underground record. No matter what shit was going on, Lou Reed would always make it better. I rested my head on my pillow and finally fell asleep, a sweet escape from my life and my problems.

       Life in my household went on like this for several months. I slept, my mom raged. SOme days were worse than others. One day she came tearing through my room taking out all of my records and CDs (something I thought she'd never do), as well as my blankets and pillows (also unexpected).

       As much as I would have liked to stop this right then and there, I couldn't. I would want to sleep as much as possible. Sometimes I would sleep 14 hours a day and miss all of my meals. Sleeping was the only means of escape for me.

       Now let my just clarify something - I wasn't exactly quite sure what I was escaping from. I knew I was upset, but I couldn't articulate why. My unknowingness made me even angrier, and I began to resent myself for not being grateful for what I had. I knew I was priveleged and that I had a good life, and I didn't like the fact that I wasn't grateful and was always sad.

       These feelings grew over time, and eventually I grew to a point of extreme self loathing. I hated myself so fucking much for being sad, and I hated myself for being an attention seeker, and I hated myself hating myself. It was a vicious circle that I was now entrapped in, and could not break.

       When I got really low, I could feel this gnawing in my stomach as if my emotional unrest was manifesting itself into physical pain.

 The days grew longer and more hazy. Time stretched on forever. I was uncomfortable in my own skin, and I had to wake up every day and pretend as if I was fine. Now you might ask me why I pretended? Well, according to me, I was just a bad person and all of my problems were caused by my own personal flaws. That, and I didn't want to seem like an attention seeker who whines about nothing.