I've decided I'm going to call you Dee. It feels right. D is the letter that diary starts with so I'm being original here obviously.
I just got off the phone with Brian. He really understands what I'm going through. I sat here for so long googling "Why don't I like sex?" "Am I asexual?" and other related questions in an effort to figure out what's wrong with me. And I still don't know. Part of me wonders if it has to do with my trauma and another part of me wonders if I'm lesbian or something. Or maybe I am asexual. I feel like all the different parts of my brain are fighting against each other because they all want their respected theory to be right. I don't know who is right.
My talk with Brian really helped me come to terms with the fact that this is what is and I will do with it what I can. Brian is like, gay-ish so he gets it. I've tried explaining this to Adam, my boyfriend, but he really doesn't understand. I feel so bad because I know he wants to be intimate with me. I just can't seem to want that. I have no desire to be sexually active.
While writing this I want to be 100% real. I tried to find my old physical diary that I kept for my preteen and most of high school years, but I had no luck. I think it's still packed away from my last move.
I'm feeling so alone despite the fair amount of people in my life. I feel like nobody understands me. This is probably my anxiety talking. She's a bitch.
I feel like a disappointment. Why can't I just be a normal 21 year old? Why can't I connect with somebody on an intimate level? Will I ever be able to?
Dee, this probably is confusing as hell. My whole life is a confusing mess. Let me share my life story with you.
YOU ARE READING
A Survivor's Diary
Non-FictionThis is my diary. Feel free to read and let me know if you relate. Share your story with me as I have done with you. We are in this together.
