They lost. The BTS were at some Korean Award show and they lost against GOT7. They had lost for the first time in three years the title of Best Group. They didn't really cared about, they were not doing it for prizes. Everyone except Namjoon. He felt like everything was his fault, that he didn't work enough this year.
Just after they were back at their apartment, their managers called Namjoon saying how disappointed he was. He had expected a lot from this prize, and he said that it was all Namjoon's fault, that their songs weren't as good as the fans expected it. He was blaming him for the lyrics and the music, not Yoongi, not Hoseok, him. They worked together after all but as the leader he had to take this. He sighed as he let the managers yell again and again, he started to think he was right. He wasn't a great leader, he was pushing them down. He ended the call and locked his door, he didn't wanted anyone to come, they would blame him. They didn't said anything but Namjoon knew sooner or later one of them would blame him. They were right, but he didn't want to deal with it now.
He stayed like this for a week, locked in his room, already working on new songs. This time they would be better. And only allowing Taehyung to bring him dinner. He didn't talk to any of them. He was ashamed. He didn't know that they already had forgotten the award, really worried for their leader.
And he was barely sleeping. Every night he made nightmares. He saw the rest of his group blaming him for being such a bad leader, to write bad songs, to be the reason of their failure at the award. He spent his nights, turning over and over in his bed, crying sometimes. He wanted to be better but he didn't know. How can he be good enough for them ? They were all great at one thing like Yoongi with his rap or Jimin with his dance. They all had good skills. He felt like he was nothing compared to the other.
He then checked the hour, 4 a.m. And as he turned for the hundred time, he heard a soft knock on the door. "Namjoon ?" Asked a little voice, as if it was afraid of him. Namjoon wondered why was Yoongi knocking at his door in the middle of the night. He didn't answer.
"Namjoon, I know you're hearing me. Please open the door. You didn't see nobody for a week now. Please..." He felt a few more tears coming down. He hated doing this. He knew how worried he made them, but he couldn't handle other accusation. "Please... Namjoon..." His voice sounded so desperate and Namjoon couldn't help but answer.
"What are you doing here in the middle of the night ? Leave me alone and return sleeping, I'm not worth it."
"Namjoon... Stop it ! Let me come. I come now because I know you're not well and I figured you'd be better if nobody knew that I came, so they couldn't ask me question about you." He heard a little chuckle at the end and Namjoon smiled for the first time.
"But you didn't come yet."
"Yet." He repeated. "Means you can allow me to come." And Namjoon's thoughts came again. He only had a minute of rest before his dark thoughts came back. He tugged himself more in the covers and mumbled. "Please Yoongi go back to sleep, don't bother you with me, I know how much sleep is important for you."
"I don't give a shit about sleeping, you're worrying the shit out of us. My sleep can wait, you can't. Don't you see how bad you are ? I'm not leaving this door until you will open it." Namjoon felt a moment proud to be more important for Yoongi than sleep. And then he thought that it was because he was weak, they were pitting him. He heard Yoongi sitting against the door and he couldn't help himself to do the same. He was feeling so bad to worry his hyung like that, he wanted to convince Yoongi to let him and as tears fell down he said : "Yoongi please, I plead you, go back to your room. I don't want to see anyone." The older didn't bother to answer and stayed in place knowing Namjoon would notice he didn't move. "I don't want your pity. I had been a bad leader. We didn't won because of me, I don't know how to dance well, I haven't a great voice, my lyrics are bad. I just have to improve it, I have to be at your level."
