Numbers

It's 1:14 in the morning, and I just got home.

This is actually the seventh time that I've done so in the past ten days.

I said I was supposed to finish something for work, but I've wasted three hours watching YouTube videos about bridal gowns.

My fourth midterm exam that I took happened about four hours ago, and it was a total disaster. I made a Facebook status about it, and people were genuinely concerned.

They told me that I should spend less time online; maybe deactivate from Facebook for two weeks. That I have to exert more effort as if I would take the bar exam tomorrow. That I need to steal all the time that I need to steal in order to study.

I knew exactly what to do. But, I just... I just can't.

I have two jobs, one of which is heavily based online. I have deadlines to beat, bills to pay, and cats to feed and clean.

Then there's three laundry baskets that are filled to the brim. Then there's that thing that I had to return. We have two important tasks this Sunday, and I'd hate to miss any. And my room needs major cleaning.

Yeah, and I haven't really had a conversation with my parents to tell about my day for the past three days. My boyfriend's time zone is different from mine, so we only have Sundays to catch up. Six days a week, my day starts at six or seven in the morning, I try to get to work, then come to class where we will be finished by 9PM, after which I'd have to do stuff for my other job that would keep me up until midnight.

I tried to keep up, but nothing's happening. Things keep on piling up one after the other, and I end up procrastinating, which is really bad for my situation.

In my head I would hear myself say:

"Well, you've placed yourself in that situation; you gotta stick to it."

"If they can do it, so can you."

"Stop making excuses. You know you can do better."

"Some people are praying a thousand times to be in the situation where you're at; be grateful."

But.. I'm tired.

I have a totally opposite game plan in my head, but my spirit doesn't want to work on it. I would find myself daydreaming at 10AM about going away.

Everything is overwhelming, and I'm not sure what is happening.

I'd like to think I'm not depressed or something like that. I still find joy in the smaller things. I know my family, my partner, and my friends love me, and I don't want to disappoint them. The pressure to do good is there--- it's like a hundred daggers hanging above the ceiling, aimed at me.

So for the second time, I am not sure what is happening. Am I lazy? Am I wasting my chance? Am I harsh with myself, or am I full of excuses?

What should I do?

It's 1:14 in the morning. I need a break.

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