i shouldn't be here. i shouldn't be avoiding my girlfriend or my best friend or my exes but im hiding how i feel because it's easier. my girlfriend. flower. she's sweet, and smart, and nice, and i love her, but she doesn't love me. to her im filler, and lets be honest she's filler to me but now i feel like i'm almost crying all the time.
i feel empty around her. like im a puppet. to her im a v a. ava. ava. the name taste strange on my tongue. tastes like the fluid on your mouth after you make yourself throw up and your fingers and stuck together with bile. she wants a girl and im choosing to be a girl for her and im trying out girl things but IM A BOY. IM A BOY IM A BOY IM A BOY I️ WANT TO SCREAM IT UNTIL MY VOCAL CHORDS SHATTER I️ AM A BOY MY NAME IS MAXWELL IM A BOY.
i haven't had the heart to tell her im still a boy. i haven't had the heart to break up with her especially seeing as i have before and where am i now? back by her side. the things i want i can't have and i thought i wanted her but she's not filling the void, im filling the void that love-me left and it sickens me.
and i miss tarot and elixir. ive been talking more with them both and its good but i want MORE MORE MORE MORE i want everything from them but they can't give it. elixir knows im still in love with him. he knows im waiting for him. but i haven't dealt with tarot, i haven't spoken to him enough because he was my breath and my heartbeats and just like that my precious boy was gone and i can never have him back and i had to stay far away to wear off those intense feelings and jesus i missed him bad. flower hates them both.
and flower is the reason my best friend is mad at me. wolf hates flower and i used to be in love with wolf but im dating flower because wolf was making me somebody i can't be. flower like me as i am but i can't tell her who i am truly. wolf knew every part of me and accepted it but it wasn't enough for him so i found flower and now he is angry and sad and betrayed. but i love wolf and i miss him and want to help him. he is sick, he needs me, and i let him down for a fucking girl. because i can never have enough. but i need somebody to hold me and appreciate me and worship me the way i worship elixir but that's not. possible because im crazy and mean and loud. i wanted wolf, he didn't want me, okay, flower wants me, i don't want her. i am in a cycle of ruining myself in the name of falsified love and it aches so good. im crying now. i make myself sick. i am repulsive. do you want me?
