The Fear

Part 1

So I really don't know how to start this but I guess I'll start from the beginning. As long as I can remember I had to be the strong one! The one to protect my siblings from everything and even everyone. But how could I when I couldn't protect myself? How could I when the fear was always there like a lingering shadow. The same shadow that kept me awake every night wondering what would happen next in the dark unknown. With the smell of popcorn for that nights endeavours and the last Goosebumps movie we watched playing in my mind like it's on repeat. Why couldn't I move or make a noise? Why couldn't I speak up about the shadow that scared me? The same shadow that would grin at me as if I would move, scream or speak about it, It would just know where I'd end up that night. Why was my fear holding me back? Every day it was like a new game. Either playing house or hide and go seek or watch movies under blankets even though it wasn't cold. Everywhere I turn my shadow was always there holding my hand or finding me in a corner or hugging me underneath those blankets. I didn't know how to escape! Me trying to keep my head up for my siblings was me trying to run away from my shadow hoping it wouldn't attach itself to them like me trying to keep them in a light so they didn't get afraid of the dark. Or trying to keep them happy and young so my mother would know I protected them. But everyday was another struggle another day of keeping that grin away from my siblings. But they didn't know that I was scared. They just saw a big sister being annoying about what they could or couldn't do. They didn't know of my nightly struggle with my shadow. How could I tell them, how could I tell my mom who was working so hard to get us out of this very dark place even though there was enough windows and the light blue shade coming in not only from the sky but from the side of the house because that's what the color of the house was. How could I even trust myself when the fear was always taking over once it became bedtime. Then one night the shadow came so close I could feel the Shadows breath on my cheek and his wiry nails brush across my arm just to see if I was actually sleeping or was playing to be. The shadow to this point has never come so close where I could actually feel him because when he would hug me under those blankets it was always to me just a blanket. But this night was different the smell of popcorn was still lingering and I could still see the last movie playing behind my eyelids. This night he was there like if he were a real person. I just always thought it was in my head but I could feel the shadow breathing as if our breaths were one. That night he took me out of the safety of my bed and into his world of deep breathing and even more Darkness. This night my fear took over as the shadow actually spoke to me. I have never thought or it never occurred to me that the shadow who has haunted me for the last few months now could manage to have a voice. It's just a shadow I thought to myself as I kept squeezing my eyes closed so that the shadow didn't know I was actually awake. But I wondered if he knew. I wondered if he ever felt those little jumps every time a fingernail would touch my warm body. The next morning was such a relief. I felt like I was awake for days. Getting up for that day was like a rush to finally see my siblings smiling faces and getting ready to walk to school. I felt so different, angry because once again I'm trying to stay the strong one but the fear was just creeping around every corner. The fear was there and I realized I let it in and now how could I get it out. How could I open myself to the change when the shadow was still there every night every moment I look behind me still with the grin of knowing where the shadow was taking me every night. So again I kept asking myself why couldn't I pause that movie why couldn't I move or making noise why couldn't I tell someone anyone then I realized it was the fear.