Harmless

Chapter 3 : Another day; Diagnosed

I don't know what i've been doing to myself. I'm wasting my time. 

I feel like I'm completely under water and I've forgotton how to breathe. I've been holding off the things I need and want to do the most. I just don't feel like this is worth it.

I mean why should I continue to do the things give me a temporary happy, if the happiness will never last. 

It is not worth it. 

They told me I won't live past the age 19. I'm slowly dying and there is  traces of cancer in my blood and body. I'm dying. 

I have one last desperate plea. I want to feel loved, I want to fix that broken jar and make it new again. I'm trying to fix fragments every single fucking day. Now, I'm running out of time and I'm running out of days. 

I fear the pieces will still be on the floor and cut the skin of my loved ones if I can't pick them up in time. I'm not sure how strong I am, what I'm made of. 

I'm not sure if I can handle this. My worst fears are becoming true and bigger every damn minute. Nothing will ever be the same. 

I want to out live this sickness. I want to suffer and become stronger and better. I'm tired of being defeated. I can't lose myself to my own body. 

It's full of scars and it doesn't protect me from anything. I can't understand why god would do this. 

It doesn't make any sense. All these words that I am writting, are they my own or hers? I can't tell anymore, I'm losing it completely. 

Wiped clean of any visible Sanity. I can't see straight anymore, the reality is blurry and the nightmare is becoming clear. 

All the bruises and pain, can you see them or are they for me to obsess over on my own. Is there only one way to know? 

Displayed on my body and painted on my face. I can barely see it and try my best to hide it but why do you see it? You seem to know I'm scared before I can annouce it with my own voice. But can't you see I'm terrified.

I can't attempt anything there's nothing to accomplish. 

Why can't you see? These questions are no longer in my mind, I'm wrtting them out and I'm asking so many times, why the hell don't you answer!? 

The wait is killing me and it's sad that it isn't the only thing shortening my time. 

Now the only thing I will never understand is how cruel the whole word can be and the only thing you can question is how much Humanity is actually left. 

Tell me, fucking answering me.

Are you feeling like this? Are you some what like me? 

Can you feel the pain I'm displaying? Can you read the words once and begin to understand?

Have you lost everything? Have you ever lost yourself, did you find yourself yet? 

How did you do it. Please tell me. I need to know. I forgot how to handle the memories, I'm trying to remember but the memories are to pain to rememer. Help me.

I'll do something terrible. Please I'm asking for your help. Can't you hear me?