The Battle Of Life (Jessie J)

Prologue

December 31th

They say that once you go black you never go back. I guess they're right. I went black two years ago, I haven't gone back anymore since. I'm soaked up in the endless black hole of self-hate and feeling like shit. The constant feeling that the world is trying to tell you that you're nothing but an ugly, worthless mess. The believe that you were put on this earth for nothing. Nobody wants you. Nobody loves you. Nobody cares about you. And nobody knows about it.

I could tell you that I'm happy. I could tell that I'm thankful with the life that's been given to me. I could say that the world is a wonderful, beautiful place and that you should make the best of every day. But I won't. All I will tell you is that the smile on my face is faker than the barbiedolls I used to play with when I was a little girl. That the world isn't anything but a hypocritic fucked up place and that I'm truly convinced that nobody can ever be happy around here. I hate the world. I hate my life. I hate myself. It's time to make it end.

You know, I can tell you the worst thing in life is the moment when you're standing on the edge of cutting the last wire that connects you with being alive and suddenly you start doubting. Not about the fact you want to die, but about everything else. I can't describe it, but somehow during those last minutes you actually start caring about everyone else. Mum and dad, why did you have to drive me this far? If only you had given me the little love I deserved. But then again, maybe I was just too blind to see it. Maybe they were trying the best they could. Friends and other people I trusted. Why did they have to ruin every little piece of what was left of me? But then again, maybe they didn't. Maybe it was all just me who was being selfish.

Those thoughts drive you even more crazy, they make you even more desperate. But they won't stop you from shutting down the system. They only make the lasts minutes, seconds, that little extra more painful.

Stood on the edge of life and death, you start wondering how it has ever come that far. You know the answer, still you want to ask yourself about it. It's some sort of dramatic split second where you make yourself feel even worse. It's just something that needs to happen, to convince yourself one more time you've really had enough.

The moment the blade touched my cold bare skin, I knew I was doing right. I knew that this was were I wanted to go. I didn't mind were it would turn out to be, heaven or hell or just stone cold in a wooden box. As long as it was far away from this life, I'd be happy.

The moment I felt the numb pain of sliding my own skin, I knew I was finally doing what I should've done way earlier. Instead of hurting myself everyday again by continuing facing all the hate and suffer, I could've stepped out long ago. Nobody would care about it. They would all be happy I'd finally be gone.

The moment warm, thick streams of blood floaded over my pale wrists, I knew that I was finally heading to the destination I was born for. Death. And nothing but that. I was convinced that was what life had planned for me. To die was all I had been striving for. It was my mission, my mission of melancholy. But then again, certain people were put on this earth to destroy everything related to me, my mission included.

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A.N. : When I first got the idea to write this new fanfic, I was somewhere in the middle of my first one No Love Like Hers. Just lying in bed one night, I somehow suddenly felt the urge to write about things I have felt and dealed with the past few years. Things that I've had, and still have, trouble with putting it all into words. Somehow I felt the need to out it and there's no better way to do that than putting it in a story.

Anyway, some time has passed now and my mood has changed again. Which means that the story will turn out to be less heavy than I had planned first. I just want to write another great story, not something that drags me down again... So, the first chapters may be a bit heavy, but it will get different after that.

Thanks for sticking with me :) I love you all!