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Help.
I am so stressed right now. There is no way I can pass this next semester with straight A's. I am struggling.
Crohn's is starting to act up. The headaches are growing just as frequent as the stomachaches. I'm having trouble controlling my emotions. My happiness, my clinginess, the times I'm overwhelmed, all of them intensifying. I'm starting to clench and unclench my fists and blank out for a while because the emotions grow intense and then I feel drained right after. I also scratched myself so much that dots appeared on my wrist. I hid them for now by connecting them with a sharpie for now but they've been there for 2 days straight. Schoolwork is becoming more rigorous, demanding me of an attention span I don't have. Not even my awful love life is getting better.
Lance hates me and ignores me. He thinks I'm annoying and just a waste of space. Catwalk doesn't even talk to me unless it's for question of the day. I try to strike up conversation but it's awkward. We aren't on the same page anymore.
And Jason...
I'm more confused than ever. I thought, if I talk crap to him and away from him, he keeps reminding me I'm annoying, and we both sort of avoid each other, the feelings will pass and I'm moving on to the next hunk.
He invites me to go roller skating.
I should say no. I can't skate, and two other girls who like him will be there. It'll be weird. Turns out he's the only one who could skate, which is why he always asks to go ice skating, to show off. At first, I already feel left out. The group has obvious chemistry and friendships where I'm the backup best friend of all of them. I know too much.
I'm the last one to lace up and the last to get in the rink. I'm awful. I try and try again but I cant seem to teach myself how to skate. I go off alone because it's impossible for me to learn when I'm with friends. I mean, last time I tried to learn with friends, I was thrown into another girl and hit the ground. Hard. So I was getting better, but I was left behind. Well, uh, Jason swings by.
I lose all control and concentration I had on shifting my weight and fall.
REALLY?! Could I be any more embarrassing? Mortified, I immediately get up and start skating again. I can fix it. Boy, was I wrong.
It happened every time he came by.
I know, I know. I would be screaming at my screen if I were you. Ever heard fake it 'till you make it? Clearly I hadn't. I singled myself out in so many ways. Skating alone, not getting that colored ice full of high fructose corn syrup, and telling them to go off on their own so they could play the game meant for 3 people. I just wanted to skate and dance.
At least when we got in the car we had a karaoke session, which of course I joined in on. Then it was just us two in the car. I don't know what the fox was in my ice water but I just wanted to get closer to him. I was leaning over the car seat and everything. Two of my best friends was in here two seconds ago and I was draping myself all over the boy I knew they liked.
What the heck was I thinking?!
I made up for it. Got Jason and one of those friends together. Doesn't help the weird feeling I have. I can't even identify it. Contentness? Aching? Dying? Overjoyed? I was... and still am so confused. I just want to have a challenge to pursue without hurting anyone in the process. I want this to be clear, but it isn't. My feelings have been overruling my usually equipped logic and reason and it's been making me feel awful. I want it to stop. It has been going on for too long.
It's been going on since he showed up at my winter concert to ask her out.
It wasn't even my concert, it was both of ours! If this feeling is jealousy, I want it to disappear NOW. In fanfiction, I would be all over this. Adorable. Noble. Generous. I now realize the real pain they're going through. You know what also doesn't help? Our texting conversations.
Nothing suggestive, believe me. I would never do that on purpose. It's starts with the question of the day. I'm always so intrigued by his answers. Fascinated even. I can always build conversation off of them. We both kind of want to be in tense situations to see how we would react. We're both pretty selfless, him more than I am. We both love thrill and adrenaline. Except I can't take a joke, like ugh. I've been told to chill so many times but I'm so oblivious to picking up hints that it's a joke and I always spoil everything.
Then I open up sometimes, which is always a huge mistake, and GOD he is so good at comforting me and making these thoughts seem less scary.
My friend group and I were harassed recently. Mine started earlier but equal to their nonetheless. He kept grabbing girl's butts, whispering sexual things in naïve ears, and kissing people on the cheek. I got the least of that, fortunately. I know my friend group would protect me if I ever felt violated, but it doesn't stop me from being scared. Ginger reported him so he's out of our hair after intimidating testimonies.
My sister mentioned the other day that the guy that harassed us, which sort of creeped her out when she was younger too, seems like the guy who would become a school shooter. I stopped mid-bite when I heard that.
The same guy, who we recently reported, would seem like the type to shoot up the school.
He would shoot us first.
He could do worse, he could violate my friends even more without getting caught. Corner Lance and finish what he started. Sexually assault my friends. Kidnap us. Tie us up.
Tie me up.
I got so scared about the thought, I couldn't sleep that night. It felt as if he was going to strike the moment I got back to school.
Whoopsie daisy, his answer has me drawn in again. People assume he's dumb... I assumed he was dumb. Despite popular belief, he's not. Everything he has said, well almost everything, has shown me that. So we get talking and the same nightmare pops up in my mind. It seems like he trusts me. Should I ask him?
At first he didn't answer back, which if you know me, just tells me that he thinks my question is stupid or I had just lost whatever interest he had in me or the conversation.
But he responded.
It made feel so happy someone would take my worries seriously and not tell me to chill out and not worry about it. He took everything I said seriously and I wish he was with me so I could hug him and repeatedly thank him. He opened up a little bit, and that made me feel even better. Our school was gonna be okay. I was gonna be okay.
WE were gonna be okay.
The question still haunts me a little bit because I saw him at the front door this morning when I walked into school. Seeing him makes me want to break down all my facades and round my friends in one area to protect them. I want to have an ally everywhere. There is nothing stopping him from pulling into a closet I conveniently pass by everyday and do unspeakable things to me. I want to be a frickin' prissy princess and ask if Lance or Jason to hold my hand as we walk to classrooms. I want to be the stereotypical girl and declare to everyone I'm not as strong as I seem. I have no combat or self-defense skills.
But I hope Jason's right. I would trust him and Rebel with my life. I hope one day I can be there for him like he was for me.
I'm scared.
But who isn't?
I hope when, or if, the time comes that someone is there to protect me.
#someonewillcomerunning
Sincerely Me
