Living In the Times

Jump

A cold trickling sweat drips hopelessly down my temple and I know what I have to do. I walk over to my window and open it. I feel the breeze blow and i let it take me back to a time I was truly happy and I could escape the engulfing darkness within. My life is me on a cliff constantly dangling over the edge but never pushing hard enough to go over. I think about how much I need to do what I'm about to do and how much it will hurt everybody and start to tear up and as if my body knows it'll hurt everybody so much and make me stop it pushes that thought aside. I feel a forest fire of pain every time I think about anything and this pain is too much. The medication and pills I've taken do nothing but make me numb. I want to feel again even if it's too dark for me to handle. I remember what he told me before he left to never return home ever again. "Don't worry things will all work out and I'll be back to hold you before you would even know I was gone". Well he lied he's been gone for 2 years. It's too much and I heap and notepad and pencil and start to jot down notes and leave them for someone to find after the find my body. I grab my keys and go outside. The cool damp air hits me and I shiver, it's brisk outside this early in the morning, and get into the car. I can smell the exhaust and gasoline once I start up my engine, it's a familiar smell. I've smelt it everyday for my entire life but that won't be for much longer. When I see my favorite place I park the car and get out. I climb up those long winding stairs and suddenly all the way up on top of the floating train tracks. I use to call them that when I was full of hope and curiosity. Take me back to the time when I was so happy with him and overall just happy to still be alive. By now the sun is rising and I look out into the horizon and see the most breathtaking sunrise of my life. I get a hint of hope as the refreshing breeze sweeps across my face and I hear the tall grasses, from many feet below, blow soothingly. I look down and think it's not too late Allegra you can get down and go home and nobody will hurt and then I remember, it will be better for everyone if I just go. I take one last breath, I inhale to my lungs capacity and look down at the dizzying height and lean forward and stumble off the edge. I'm free. I'm flying. And down I fall, down, down, down, into an endless abyss and I'll never feel the darkening sadness that engulfs a bright soul again... I jolt awake.