Where are we now? Well, that's a good question.
Hey guys. I know it's been about a month, which for me is kind of odd, I know. I'm gonna talk about a lot here regarding this page so if you care, stick around. If you don't, feel free to leave. I won't hold you.
So I haven't posted anything for a while, and being completely honest I don't know if I will. I'm in a pretty dark place right now, and most people don't even realize I think. This is one reason I haven't been able to write as much, among other things. There are three that I'll talk about in this small thing about why I'm not posting and why I'm not writing Septiplier at all much more really.
First things first, I am still a part of the fandom, I still support it and I still think it's cute. I'm just taking a step back from it, which is the first thing I'm going to talk about.
Recently, I have gotten into Thomas Sanders and his channel, or more specifically, his Sanders Sides videos (don't get me wrong, I love his whole channel, but Sanders Sides is to blame). For anyone that doesn't know what that is, this part probably won't make sense unless you look it up, because I love you guys but I'm not explaining it. Because of his videos though, I have really taken a step back from Jack and Mark's fandom and into his for a while. And right off the bat, with shipping (and in general) there is a lot less toxicity.
So with Sanders Sides there are many ships, and although it does seem weird cause it's basically shipping someone with themselves, if done the right way or with an AU some of the ships are actually really cute. I have ended up falling into the gay shipping of Prinxiety and Logicality, and lately that's all I've been reading. Again, I don't really know why, but it's just cute to me. Because of that gay ship though, I haven't been able to focus and/or be inspired by this gay ship. So, essentially, I'm taking a small fandom break. I don't intend to let go of Septiplier or Jack and Mark any time soon, not totally, but for now this is what I'm watching/reading/writing (if any of you actually want to see some Thomas Sanders stuff on here, I'll post it but otherwise I wasn't planning on it).
That was long in of itself, but we're still not done. Two more things.
Second, I like writing happier things in the moods I've been in lately. When I'm upset, I write something happy to make myself happier, something cute and fluffy. Plus, I'm trying to step away from hardcore angst a little, which isn't easy for me. But being honest, writing cute fluffy things have been making me feel worse. And I know exactly why too.
Some of you may have picked up on it from my conversation posts, but basically I have a crush. This crush is on someone who is one of my best friends, who gave me a place when I had none, and has helped me so much without realizing it. He's also got a girlfriend, one he is very happy with and that makes me happy. Well, happy and heartbroken.
I respect the two of them, they've been together for a while and are very happy together. But on the other hand, I've never liked someone this much before. This boy has made me so fricken happy, it sucks. Because I have no chance, and I recognize that, so I laugh about it. But it isn't funny. And trust me, if I could flip a switch and fall out of this crush I probably would, but for now it just hurts. Every time I ask something and the response is "my girlfriend" I just shut down.
This is why I writing cute things hurt, because I want that kind of relationship so bad. With him or anyone else, someone I love and with someone who loves me back. I want a relationship where we can cuddle and kiss, and go on cheesy dates and live just like my characters do (without the death). But I can't have that, at least not right now, and although I respect it I don't really like it. It's upsetting, knowing that he's happy without me and I'm not without him. Which sounds unhealthy and dependent, but I swear it's not, that was more of an... example? Basically, he'd be fine if I never showed up and yet if we never started talking I'd be in a worse state than I am now.
One more thing, and that one will probably go on for even longer.
Finally, my self-confidence is really low and it's only getting worse. Writing is one of the things I've always been confident in, one of the very, very few things. For now, for simplicities sake, we're going to say the only thing. Now, I'm going to say this and then explain it and hopefully you all will understand it a little bit. When you're confident in one thing, that one thing becomes both your lifeline and your poison.
For me, that's writing. Writing is an escape, I can do what I want, make what I want, kill characters, bring characters to light, help them, help me. It's the place where I can make the perfect world, the perfect place where there is no heartbreak, no doubt, no nothing, unless I want there to be. But it's also my poison. It is the only thing I'm confident in, and because of that I'm terrified of losing that confidence. I'm scared of trying to write, not putting out my best, getting backlash, and losing my confidence. And that isn't self-doubt, that's anxiety (something else I struggle with). I think.
But lately, my stress has gone so high up and my confidence has gone so low, that I've been changing things more than I would like. I don't write as much, I push myself past my limit in PE, I don't dare say many things in front of many people in fear of losing friends, I don't play games as much, I don't talk to people, I yell at myself more often then I should. Overall, I'm just not doing that great, and you guys are probably the first to know. I'm sure at least some people suspect this, and my best friend may even be reading this (though I doubt it, she's taken a step back from Wattpad), but nobody in my every day life knows this stuff, so I hope you guys realize just how much I love you all to tell you this.
I promise I'm going to try and start writing more (though no promises of updates soon). I'm going to try and figure shit out and maybe get my life together. We'll see. We'll hope. We'll see where we go from here.
But until then, I love you all and I'll see you next time <3
Red
