Why Is Love So Confusing?

Hiding Our Feelings For Each Other

Lauren's POV
I sit under a big oak tree my secret journal lying closed next to me filled only with my innermost thoughts most of it about my forbidden feelings towards one person, my little sister, Dani.

I close my eyes and picture her perfectly, a stupid grin coming to my otherwise stressed face.

Last night we had a movie marathon and most of my time was spent trying to not stare at her.

She fell asleep first because she woke up at five AM and I stared for what felt like hours at her God given beauty.

There was just too much to admire about her.

I open my eyes and pick up my journal writing my daily feelings towards the green eyed princess, I wish my green eyed princess.

Dear Journal,

I know I'm not feeling the normal kinda love I'm supposed to have towards my younger sister.

It is not normal to daydream about kissing her while staring at her during band meetings.

It is not normal to feel sparks when I touch her.

It is not normal to stay up all night thinking about her.

I want to stop these feelings because they hurt me more than they help me.

It hurts to know the person I am head over heels for could never like me back.

There was nothing I could do about it.

I sigh at the realization that slaps me back to reality every day.

There is nothing I can do to make her love me like I love her.

I get up slowly and trudge home dreading seeing my little sister.

Not in the way that I hate her or anything, clearly by my journal entries and my thoughts I'm madly in love with her.

But it is hard to contain these feelings when I see her beautiful green eyes or her captivating smile.

Sometimes I slip up, telling her she's gorgeous and beautiful, but I always play it off as a sisterly love, at least I try to.

I open the door met with silence because ever since our older sister's have moved out it has been kind of lonely, at least for me because I suck at starting conversations.

I flop down on the couch starting to scroll through Instagram as I get caught up staring at a picture of Dani.

It allows me to take in her natural beauty without me being the creepy person to stare at her when we are eating dinner or any time we hang out.

Not that I do a good job of averting my eyes though.

Her eyes entrance me as they are a perfect light green that I could stare into all day.

Her eyebrows that she hates but are perfect to me, the shape unique to this world.

Her new bangs that cover a little bit of her eyes begging to be brushed away.

Her smooth lips that I want to be able to kiss.

The only sad part of the picture is that she is wearing concealer covering her wonderful freckles.

As I hear a footsteps from somewhere in the house I hide my phone and pretend to be asleep not wanting to answer why I'm staring at a picture of my little sister. 

Soon enough I actually fall asleep dreaming Dani being mine.

(Dani's POV)

I wake up in my bed and look at the space that was supposed to hold Lauren. I have so many things that I want to tell her but I know that if I say it, then she would hate me and I would have to run away. 

I don't want to leave everyone so I guess that it's better if I hide my feelings from her, since she doesn't like me back. She is straight and I'm not.

I sigh and grab my phone and scroll through Instagram, constantly reminding myself not to look at Lauren's post even though it is hunting me and is constantly always on my mind, I try and ignore it and continue scrolling. But something in the back of my mind is yelling to tell her my feelings and to not ignore them. But the other part of me doesn't want me to tell her and ignore them. I don't know what to do. 

I hear the front door opening and closing and it brings me some peace in knowing that I am not alone anymore. It must be the fact that I really hate being alone. I sigh and continue scrolling.

After about 20 minutes of scrolling I decide to get out of bed to grab my breakfast. 

I throw my white comforter off of my body, place my feet on the floor and make my way to my door. I open my door and then make my way down to the kitchen. I pass Lauren and see her asleep. I sigh again and continue walking to the kitchen. 

I grab the waffles and put them in the toaster. While they are toasting I grab my plate that I'm going to use and set it down carefully as to not wake Lauren. I go deep in thought about everything. 

I wish that I could tell Lauren how I feel but I don't want her to hate me. 

What if she rejects me? 

What if she thinks I am disgusting? 

What if she thinks that I am a burden to everyone because I am not straight? 

I sigh for the third time today and make my way to the toaster and grab my waffles and the utensils that I am going to be using and go sit at the table. 

Why can't she love me the way I love her?