Gonna Be the Death of Me (adopted by Brendon Urie)

//thirty five - we are the swords//

Song of the Chapter: Archers, With Confidence

Everyone arrived at the airport the next morning bright and early. The type of day Eva would have was currently undecided seeing as that she was still practically asleep on Tyler's back as he carried her through portions of the airport, only making her walk through security. The group sat at every table available of a small cafe and started picking their breakfast. Eva was sitting on the outskirts of the group, a watchful Tyler sitting next to her but not pushing her overbearingly. Eva was watching the sky turn orange, only being interrupted when she had to order. She got a coffee and then stopped speaking, praying they would just let her not eat breakfast today. It was too early and she couldn't stomach the thought. 

She heard Tyler order more food then he could ever eat but didn't think twice about it until there was a plate with a bagel sitting in front of her. Eva looked over to Tyler and gave him a look begging him to just let her slide. He shook his head slightly and squeezed her hand that was sitting on her lap. Eva rolled her eyes and sat back in her chair, sipping her drink first and avoiding the plate. Slowly more people were noticing that she wasn't eating, starting with Brendon and Pete, through the Pierce guys, Dallon looking over and understanding, until nearly every band member was looking over at her every few seconds just to make sure she hadn't evaporated into thin air yet. Eva grimaced as she picked up the bagel and took a bite just to get everyone's eyes off of her. Everyone went back to eating, Tyler's hand still grasping hers like a life line, and Eva tried to slip the food into a napkin before Tyler's other hand grabbed it, unwrapped it, and put it back on the plate. She sighed and pulled her knees to her chest. 

It was another hour of sitting there, everyone chattering away and slowly eating their food as Eva sat in the corner and watched planes take off while taking small bites of the food she didn't even order. The plane was called to boarding and they all got in line. Eva already had headphones in, playing her music loud enough that you could just maybe make it out from standing in  a silent room with her. She sat at whatever seat corresponded with her ticket, waiting to see who she was sitting with. Tony and Jaime joined her and her smile grew slightly across her face. The plane ride was uneventful and Eva slept most of it, switching from leaning on Tony to leaning on Jaime every hour or so. 

They landed in Australia not much later and got taken to the venue immediately. Brendon pulled Eva into his side as they got ushered through the hallways and into their rooms. The bands were there early for interviews, a meet and greet, soundcheck for meet and greet fans, then the show itself. Eva was not at all prepared for such a long day but just tried to pretend she was fine. Her day was unlike her two normal kinds. She had no emotion at all, just blank faces and an oddly empty head. No matter what jokes the boys cracked, she couldn't laugh, only able to throw a pity smile. Everyone noticed, but they said nothing. After all, they all knew she was going through stuff and didn't want to talk to anyone about it. After the interviews were done, all the boys came back to a larger room to eat lunch. Eva slipped away and just hoped no one would notice her as she walked out of the room while they filled their plates and she went up to the higher balcony back stage. 

She carefully climbed up the ladder and crawled into the corner of the little platform, crossing her legs and putting her headphones in. Eva felt the desire of relapse nip at her skin, the same sensation she's had non-stop since tour started. Her hand felt the box sitting in her pocket, a half empty pack of Camel filters with a lighter sitting neatly inside and a sharp, silver desire snuck into the bottom. Eva didn't smoke often, just when it got really bad and she wanted to use the same taunting device she kept in that box. Her promises to people were too deep when it came to relapse, but she never promised to not smoke. She placed it between her teeth and flicked the lighter until the stick started to turn orange. The tar swimming in her lungs instantly calmed her as she poured the metal into her hand and stared at it longingly. Everyday had no real desire to do it anymore because she was feeling too much, but today was a numbness unlike any other Eva had felt. Maybe just the slightest tingle would help her feel someth-

A hand slapped her's before she even started moving towards her skin, knocking the metal to the platform with a clang. Before Eva even knew who was there, their hand had ripped the box from next to her feet and the cigarette from her fingertips, stamping it out and throwing it into the box with the lighter and blade. Eva took out her earphones and looked up to see a shocked and maybe even slightly mad Tony, tightening his fist around the box and trying to understand. 

"Tony," she started. He looked up to her and cut her off instantly. "No, Eva. What the fuck? Why would you ever start this shit up? You have an entire life in front of you and I know shit is hard, but why ruin all of it when there are so many people that care about you? Why sneak around and lie and slowly kill yourself when we're all trying so hard to keep you alive?" His voice had raised until he was whisper screaming, seeing as they were in a hidden spot right now. It reminded her of when her dad yelled at her when her mom was asleep. But, Eva tried to keep herself calm and block out the memories because Tony deserved to be yelling. He deserved to get mad at her right now; he's dedicated so much time for her this past tour leg so far. Despite her efforts though, her breath was picking up and her hands were starting to shake endlessly. It was like when she skipped classes and Brendon found out. She had no control. 

"T-t-tony, I'm so sorry. I-I just n-n-needed to f-feel and sometimes s-smoking h-h-helps so I s-started a couple w-w-weeks ago, but t-the blade was t-there, I d-don't know why I-I even g-got it, and it w-was just a t-thought, a s-simple thought," she said quietly squeezing her eyes shut and trying to ignore the pain in her head. Her words were becoming harder to push out and were become slower and more drawn out. Tony noticed the signs immediately. "Okay, E. Look at me, can you do that?" She complied and squinted up to him, her eyes begging him to help. "Breathe in with me for four beats, then out for four." He tapped her hand gently as a beat then started breathing in sync with it, waiting for Eva to do the same. She followed and felt the world slow back down. She was still shaking like a leaf but everything else was relatively normal. Tony cupped her face with his hands and she brought up her own hands to grab his. The amount  of shaking scared him, but he kept looking into her eyes and trying to calm her down. After a few minutes, she was okay for the most part. 

"I'm sorry I yelled," he said as he pulled her into his chest, "but I can't see you hurt more, especially when it's you doing it because of the world." Eva nodded and felt a tear slip down her cheek. "Please don't apologize, I needed to be yelled at. I know it's stupid Tony, starving, cutting, smoking, drinking, ignoring, I know it's stupid, but how else do you make it through all of this with no casualties but yourself? My pain is worth keeping everyone else from heartbreak." The guitarist gasped at her words quietly, bringing her even tighter into his chest. 

"Eva Urie, one of the most brilliantly amazing people in my life, you hurt us by doing this to yourself, more then if you just cried into our chests and talked to us. We want your pain in our heads, because then at least we all are in it together. Please tell me you understand." Eva nodded and kissed Tony's cheek as more tears fell. They didn't talk the rest of them time they were up there. A few minutes later, they climbed down and Tony handed her a small plate of food that she ate slowly as they walked back. Tony covered for them and they returned to the rooms just in time for meet and greets. Eva stayed in Panic!'s dressing room and slept until the concert started, where she sang out everything she just went through that day.