All Of My Memories Keep You Near

Take on Me

Notes: 

Hello my sweet Karamel family! So this piece here is a direct result of heavy feels of episode 15- In Search of Lost Time as I guess you all might be feeling the same way. Do not read this if you haven't seen episode 15 yet!

I hope you don't mind read this through some parts as I know it must be painful to reread those dialogues as they still feel soar, but I as a fan felt responsible to shed some light into it and help you all see it a bit differently.

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"You're right. We have been through a lot together. Like that time you promised you wouldn't leave the DEO, and instead you ran off, you got wasted. You were reckless, selfish, you lied, and you didn't apologize."

Mon-El felt his heart dropping, throbbing painfully like it weighed a thousand tons. "Kara, I..."

"And then there was the time I got you a job at CatCo. I vouched for you at my place of employment. And then you had Eve do all of your work for you, and then you screwed her in the closet."

To say he was stunned was an understatement. It was as if he were falling deeper into a bottomless pitch-black pit. This was his worst fear all along. All the excitement to show Kara his suit was turning upside down. This was the opposite of how he had imagined their training session would go.

"You didn't apologize for that. And, shocker, I apologized to you for trying to make you into a better person."

The shame, the stains that could never be washed away no matter how hard he tried or how much time had passed. The demons that haunted him often in the dead of night.

The voices in his head screamed at him to stop her, to lash out in protest and denial. Yet he didn't have it in him. Never really had. Not when his mother ripped him off of his self-steam with venomous words and not even now when he was worlds apart from that person, standing in front of the woman he thought the world of and all he ever wanted was for her to see the person he had become.

It suddenly dawned on him how much he had failed in changing himself. He came to realize then more than ever, how little he deserved her. "I hear you. I get it."

"No, I don't think you do get it. I don't think you get that I gave my heart to a lying jackass, who was unaware of his behavior towards me, who disrespected me at every turn, and now is this reformed person who, what, he wants to reminisce about the good times? "

"Kara, put this on."

He barely held back the tears threatening to fall. His whole being was shaking ever so slightly under the effort, and if it weren't for Alex's timely interruption, he wasn't sure if he could have kept it together any longer.

There was no time to fall apart. No, he couldn't. He shouldn't. Not in the middle of a Martian psychic attack and when people's lives were in danger. That was his first and foremost important rule. No emotional attachments and personal matters when it came to saving others. Protect the people above all else. Just like Kara had taught him and he to the Legionnaires.

Therefore he tried to swallow down the pouring out emotions and calmed his senses in a practiced method which he had come to learn over his years of desolation in the 31th century.

Deep breaths... in... and out... in... and out...

He almost failed and had to go over it a few times because hadn't felt this profoundly disturbed for a long time. Hadn't felt his heart clench so tight and getting stabbed repeatedly with massive waves of guilt, self-loath and loneliness since his very first year in the future. This felt different though. This was excruciating in another a way he had never felt.