The Incomplete Ramblings of an Insomniac

Part 1

My life is a mess. I am in my mid twenties. I work at a gas station. I wish upon everything I was back in college. I wish I had the powers of telepathy and telekinesis. I need to get my license. Work is slow right now. I can only sleep with the help of medication. I dream to be a published author. I'm in love with two different people. I'm engaged. I have a someday patiently waiting for me to be able to be with him. They each have half of my heart so I don't know how I'm living. I'm working my life away. I have an auto immune disease that is incurable. I deal with painful flares on a daily basis. I smoke too much. I drink too little. I'm almost afraid of living my own life as I'm afraid that I will make the wrong choice. I'm afraid to take action and change everything in my life because I don't think I'm ready. I want the change because it's like a magnet pulling me and every time I resist I feel like I'm being shattered into a thousand pieces. I'm so tired about asking if people want to try fast play. I'm seriously thinking about having an affair to see if I truly want to flip my life upside down but my stupid moral compass is too strong and won't let me. I've lost fifty pounds in six months. I want to lose another forty five. It's weird to have people call me pretty. I wish you were here right now (I know you know I'm talking about you and I know you're reading this so stop smiling. Lol) I wish life could go back to a simpler time where things made sense and I didn't have a leash on my finger but I will never personally go back to the person I was before. I'm too proud of who I have become. Three more hours until I see you. My heart flutters knowing that and time is going too slow. Boss just walked in. I made her proud. I love her. She the nicest and sweetest boss I've ever had and if someone fucks it up I will kill them.

In the end, I am a train wreck. A beautiful train wreck who is living life the way I want and living who I've become. I would love to do things somewhat different but I am supposed to be where I am learning what I need to learn in this life. None of this will ever make full sense but then again maybe it'll reach who it needs to.