Grieving

Its not poetry

A
J
L

My first real boyfriend, a guy named A, he was a racist, misogynist but all he ever wanted was to make people laugh. He was awkward and he was not only my first kiss but also the first guy to assault me. He touched me when I told him no and he didn't stop when I turned red, tears brimming my eyes. Thank God we were minutes from his house. I dated him for two months after this indescribable incident. I ended up breaking up with him and not because of the assault, just because I didn't like him anymore. I never told my parents what happened, my best friends, my sister, and James are the only ones who know what happened that night. I cried for days but I just couldn't say anything, I was scared that I would get in trouble.
My second boyfriend, J, an asshole jock who was so codependent he was dating two girls at once, he was so insecure that he couldn't be alone, his family abused him and he never had a good role model until he met my father. My family took him in and treated him as though he was one of us. He spent the night at my house in two occasions both were when it snowed and we couldn't get him home and then he and my brother had to share a bed. He cheated on me and I found out in my birthday January 17th 2018, I was stupid to believe his lies and to continue dating him but I too was insecure. In the end of January 2018 I was assaulted by J-my second assault before the age of 15- I told him that I didn't want to have sex and he bought condoms anyway, I got turned on and after months if telling him no, I said yes ONCE. After about 2 seconds I started crying telling him to stop and about 30 seconds later he finally did (longest 30 seconds of my life). I was bawling my eyes out and I still do not count that as me losing my virginity because I know that's not what it should be like. I never wanted it I was just turned on for a moment and that is still the worst day of my life. He ended up cheating again and then dumped me.
Now to L, a guy I thought was a being of perfection. (We never actually dated) we talked for a few weeks and he seemed so perfect, all the guys I have ever dated were fat even though I am skinny -and honestly thicc- I was just so insecure and never thought I could do any better. Then L came into the picture he is a junior and i'm a freshman and he had a 6 pack of washboard abs. He liked me and that was huge for me, I felt so confident and we talked non-stop always texting, him telling me he likes me and that I was beautiful and that he sees a future with me in it. Then his previous crush (who has a bf) got pissed at him for talking to me because he told her that he would wait. That day he called me telling me what was going on but that he just wanted to be her friend and nothing more because he likes me. We went on like this for a few days and then I asked him if he really liked me because if he told me he didn't I wouldn't care it would just be better than him leading me on. He told me he did like me and that he had just been busy and I believed him. He said he was going to call me that night and it's been two weeks now with him ignoring me over the phone and in the hallways and somehow that hurt more than both of my previous bfs, because I trusted him and stood up for him when people warned me about him and then he did that and it tore me down and i'm even more insecure than I was, it feels like i'm not good enough for anyone and if anyone really did like me, it's just them trying to prank me because i'm obviously disgusting and don't deserve them.