A common mistake people make with me, is that, flattering me isn't doing shit. It just makes you sound more fake. And it's probably my fault people get the idea that it'll work. I just give off that vibe I guess. Or I might just be mistaken as an optimist.
Like, I admitted to my mom that I do believe I'm a bad person, and she said that I'm amazing, kind, generous, thoughtful, etc. The thing is, she doesn't ACT like I am. Every day she contradicts herself by calling me thoughtless or selfish, or a brat. So it's kind of, i dunno how to put it, trained? into me to believe that their lies. Small everyday actions probably mean nothing to the average person, but I'm not average. I read into these actions, I keep them in mind. It's like a quote I saw one time, where it was all like "You can tell them you love them a million times, but one insult will stay with them for years" or something like that. But I remember these small things, and any day I could use your own words against you.
Also, the flattering thing not only doesn't cheer me up, but it also pisses me off to no end. Like, you say these things. You say your there for me whenever, and HERE I AM, AT 3 AM, TEARING MYSELF APART FROM THE INSIDE OUT. AND WHERE ARE YOU?!? IN YOUR ROOM. FUCKING SLEEPING BLISSFULLY AND ALREADY FORGETTING AND BREAKING YOUR WORD. And I internalize that. And one day, you'll try to talk me out of suicide, and you know what I'll do? I'll tell you. I'll tell you that every night, while your enjoying your sweet little dreams, your betraying my trust a little more. I'll tell you that you have no right to "save" me. That you have no fucking RIGHT to take that bleach, or pull me from the edge, or slap away that razor, or break that noose. Because that isn't a right. Not in my book.
Stopping me from suicide is a PRIVILAGE. A privilege that requires me to trust you. And thus, when you lie and say you'll be there when I need you, you lose that privilege, and that hard-earned trust. Because I'll tolerate you, but it'll take SO FUCKING MUCH to get me to trust you. And it takes so fucking little for me to throw you back at your drawing board.
So no. Don't waste your time complimenting me or making empty promises to me when trying to comfort me, because your only alienating yourself in doing so.
YOU ARE READING
Confessions
Non-FictionI'll just admit/explain some stuff on here. (TRIGGER WARNINGS: Will contain depressive themes, probably some suicidal talk, talk of panic attacks, PTSD, probs some lemony type shit somewhere, KINKY, etc.
