David David had been planning the robbery for weeks. As he drove up to the McDonalds in his borrowed Mercedes he glanced down at his borrowed suit. He would need to look elegant for this. They wouldn't really accept a guy in a scruffy t-shirt and a teletubby mask.
In style he stepped out of the car and stylishly approached the doors. As he walked in, he slipped his borrowed sun glasses on. He looked around to see everyone looking at him. His little smirk turned in to a big grin. All was going well so far. But that all changed when he realized that his fly was open and he had some bits hanging out as his underwear was old and worn. He hastily pulled it up which caused my parts to get caught in the zip. He was in such pain that he was sliding around the room and knocking everything over. Eventually he made it to the bathroom.
After he'd fixed everything he waited in the toilet so as to make sure that the commotion had died down a little. He awkwardly stepped out of the bathroom slid to the back of the growing line.
He waited in line for a bit...
Then a bit more...
Then some more...
And more...
A bit more...
He began to get a slightly irritated and began developing a slight twitch in the left eye. But luckily, after about an hour and a half he finally reached the front of the line.
"A burger please." he said in a bad ass sort of way.
"What type of burger sir?" The short, fat man at the cashier said whinely.
"A good salesmans needs more expression in his voice if he ever wants to sell his product," He smirked as he was beginning to feel quite impressed by his performance. For a moment, David David thought that instead of being an average criminal, he could be a criminal mastermind!
"Don't be absurd." He muttered to himself.
"I'd like a cheese burger by the way." He commented remembering that the man had asked.
"Would you like that with fries?"
"Just GO!"
The frightened man attempted to sprint away but only succeeded into falling into the box containing cheese. David David could only barely hold in a girly giggle. But as the man got up, a funny looking cheese with a green tint to it fell out of his baggy pockets. 'Mysterious' David David thought. Then, he chuckled and thought 'David David, David David the next thing you know you'll be of on a hunt for a lost pharaoh!' He snorted at the idea.
David David's burger came at the speed of light (compared to waiting-in-line that is).
"5 euros please" said the flustered man in a highly exaggerated voice.
"If anything YOU'LL BE PAYING ME!" David David screamed as he reached for his gun. He fussed a little over his pocket trying to reach his gun. He could feel it banging against his chest as he fumbled to get it. This was all so exciting for him! It would be his first successful robbery ever! Eventually he managed to tear it out and to his utter horror, he saw... a banana! It was the banana he was going to eat on the way to McDonalds!
"Just kidding" he said uncertainly while mentally cursing himself. He paid instead and left furious at himself for forgetting his gun. In the car he started saying things that should DEFINITELY not be repeated ever again. The plan had failed utterly. All he needed to do was to ask for the money or he would shoot and everything would have been perfectly fine.
That night, David David decided that he should get a job like ordinary people, not a criminal mastermind job. He had always been a good writer. He could be a journalist! 'Yes I will do just that.' He thought as he began to eat his burger cheerfully. Unfortunately his happiness didn't last long. The moment he bit into it he nearly vomited because of the disgusting cheese! After inspecting it he discovered that it was the weird looking green cheese he'd seen earlier! After inspecting it some more he saw there was a kind of opening. He carefully opened it and there was a peculiar piece of paper that looked just like a very old note...
That night, all David David did was stare at the ruined paper he'd found in my burger. Other than the small, chewy corner of parchment that he'd swallowed, it hadn't been a bad burger. There was flavor in the sauces, the tomatoes were juicy and the lettuce was fresh. Oh, but how he absolutely loved the feeling of tomato juice dribbling down his chin. He also really appreciated it when they cook the horse meat in such a way that somehow it just turns black. However the best part was always the wonderful, often burnt bread.
What interested him most about the ruined map was not where it led, but where it began. You see the reason for this was because the small corner that he'd bitten off also happened to be the title. The only remaining letter happened to be g, y, p and t. Now David David was to dim-witted to notice what this obviously was or to even attempt and research it on the phone he'd "borrowed" from the pretty ladies breast pocket ( although the phone robbery was a success she felt his hand an he ended up listening to a 20 minute lecture on not being a pervert).
The main reason David David was so very interested in this map was because he needed money. He needed it badly and he thought this could be the key to all his dreams (money, money and some more money). While thinking about this, his mind slowly began to drift off an the next thing he knew he was fast asleep and dreaming his nightly dream...
Lord David David was in the process of strolling into his new grand elevator from France when he gained consciousness. He'd picked the elevator design himself and all the colors were completely customized by him and only him. The walls where padded with the finest materials in a deep, rich green. It was airy and spacious and almost twice the size of the previous elevator. He pressed the freshly shined 1 button and the doors soundlessly glided closed. After a few seconds the small bell in the corner went off and the doors opened. Lord David David glided majestically out of his elevator and into the entrance room. He straightened his jacket and opened the grand oak doors. As he pushed the doors open all his girlfriends (prostitutes) said
"Hey Mr naughtyyy." and grin at him in a most seductive manner.
"Ah girls I've missed every one of you including you Natalie," says David David with a warm smile. He lowered him self onto the sofa in which at once his girlfriends pounced upon him "Would any of you beauties care for a drink?" They nodded and Lord David called for his butler. "John why don't you do something useful and get my babes a cool refreshing drink of the vodka I told u to get for me," John hesitates before making his way back to the kitchen. "Is there a problem John?" says David David coolly. The sudden mood change chills the air and all the girls begun to slowly back off. They all knew what was coming. "I asked you a question John and I expect you to answer it. Is there or is there not, a problem John?"
"Well you see the problem is they were sold out sir. I'm awfully sorry. Shall I go fetch the wine I ordered with it?" jittered John nervously. Just then, the sound of absolute silence clouded the air.
"Wine John? Wine? Do you actually believe that these ladies will be satisfied with your pathetic wine? Have you really stooped that low John? I have to say I'm disappointed John. I really am," replied David David dangerously. The girls braced them self and prepared for what was coming next. They hated loosing a colleague. "John I'm sorry but I'm afraid this mistake just cost you your job. Your fired."
Speechless, John staggered to the floor in dismay. He'd come all this way until he finally got to work for the grand lord and then he made this horrific mistake. He hadn't weeped since he was 5 but today was different. Curled into a ball, he slowly let out his tears and cried. In the meantime David David cackled at his sadness and spat in his hair.
David David woke with a smile on his face that morning. His favourite part of that dream had always been firing John although occasionally he did other things often involving his girlfriends. But unfortunately, for now he was stuck in the shit hole and he just had to live with it.
