Someone told me to kill my self today. That's normal for me. A lot of people aren't the nicest, a lot of people don't understand how much that actually hurts but, for the first time ever, I actually considered it. And that scares me. Like really scares me. I don't completely understand why I feel this way but, it's the reason I finally decided that I need to start talking about this.
This isn't the easiest thing to open up about, especially when you're on the internet where anyone can hide behind a witty username and say absolutely anything about you. I decided to start something today. Every time I have a thought That scares me, I'm going to scribble till I'm calm. If you're interested, it's the top of the chapter. I'm always criticising myself for, not looking the prettiest and, not being the thinnest. I'm always telling myself I'm so lazy that the same amount would get done even if I wasn't there and, no one would miss me if I'm gone. But, I'm not dumb, I know my mum would miss me, I know my parents care. I know that people don't care about how I look and I know people think my weight is fine. I just don't believe it. And it scares me. I'm so scared. The only time I ever escape is when I disappear into the fantasy worlds that are created in my writing or what I'm reading. The only time that the voices in my head shut up is when I tune them out with the music I make on the piano or listen to on YouTube. But, that means that I end up being lazy again. It's a vicious, unforgiving cycle of guilt and self hatred. I hear my friends say that I'm fine. That everything I do and feel and think is fine. That it is normal to feel this way. That it is normal to have "a bit of sadness". I know it's not. I know that it's something that could make other people uncomfortable. Which is why I keep it bottled up. I don't want to make others uncomfortable. I'm a very spiteful person. Especially when others tell me what to do. Right now, the only reason I'm alive, is I'm doing it out of spite. To spite myself and anyone else who tells me to die but soon, I think that spite, won't be enough.
Thanks for reading
YOU ARE READING
My online journal
RandomI've never wanted to write anything that another person is not going to read. It seems pointless to me but, I need to write down the things that are happening in my life and, how I'm really feeling. So, don't feel bad for me. Just know that you rea...
