Parts Of Me

Chapter 1: How long did I fight the battle?

I cannot recall the last time I saw the world around me in bright colors, a blur of lights and darkness is what kept my vision from seeing the happiness in the world. Inside my mind, days were long and restless, tears filled my vision every night when I slowly drifted to sleep, memories plaguing my mind like a storm that didn't let up. Anxiety, struck my heart like a sharpened knife being pressed against my throat, painful, unforgotten. I whispered to myself every night when the moon was high in the dark colored sky, I spoke little whispers of comfort, but all along I was hoping that a person would come along to save me, to save my restless soul before it unraveled, like a string being pulled on, threads coming undone, my personalities taking flight. Throughout my days, I visited many people. I had deep conversations with therapists and doctors, and psychiatrists. I've tried to shake the other personality that is my being, but like every other trouble in the world, it was persistent.

My high school days were like every other, a teenager spouts words of how they were bullied, pity parties from every occasion, but I was not like other teenagers who could live life freely. Instead, I was kept under the hands of my prisoner, shackles hung from my wrists and bit into my flesh, leaving dark scarlet wounds not visible to any other. My other personality grinned ear to ear, a monster in disguise, a monster that was my character. It's hands were tight around my throat, it spoke words that I would never utter, it was like a terminal illness that couldn't be shaken. It laughed at me, it chided me, it broke my mind, and the person who I used to be.

I cannot say when my personalities manifested, I cannot remember anything past the age of nine. Memories were split into fragments that were blurry, unable to recall the face of my father, whom my mother never spoke anything about. Through the hazel eyes of my mother, they were always clouded with tears and guilt, I know deep inside her mind she hated the thought of my being, the other personality that was me. My mother spoke harsh words that bit into my soul and made my throat tighten, and my stomach often churned with disgust. The person who was made whispered to me, threated that I wasn't good enough, and for a very long time, I believed every single word it spoke to me. 

This is the story of a girl who desperatley wanted to escape the hands of the demon that kept her hostage inside, who beriddled her and broke her down piece by piece. Like every other story, it is supposed to have a happy ending, but I can say for certainty that mine never ended. This is my story, how a seventeen year old girl named Sage, came to have dissociative identity disorder. I have five personalities, one who controls my anger, one who is the main control panel to my mind and the one who makes life a living hell, there's the personality who handles my sadness, another who is biased off my childhood friend who was murdered, and the final personality being a young girl who is based off my past memories. I cannot say for certain how they became a part of me, but maybe my story will explain.