_I sold my soul to society.._
Yes I know my name and my identity but I often ask myself ...is this truly me? ...this person I see everyday in the mirror is this who I'm supposed to be? ...I feel like there's more to me than even I care to admit ...It all comes down to society ...this current me is just a mere reflection of society's perception of me ...my character and who I am has become situational ..I am who I need to be at a particular time and place ...like a chameleon that changes its colour according to its surrounding I am who everyone wants me to be ... for the sole purpose of trying to fit in I have created this perfect illusion, this perfect version of me just to suit everyone else but now he has overcome and overpowered my true self ...instead of being a part from me he has become a part of me ...or rather he has become me ...I no longer know my true self and honestly I don't even know if he still exists ...does he? I believe he is somewhere in the deepest depths of my soul desperately trying to scratch through the walls of the deception of perfection but little does he know that the construction has long been completed ..there is no turning back now ... He is screaming to be let out and set free ...I can hear the fading agonizing sounds as he loses hope and screams his existence away ... I have once again been enslaved, consumed and in turn moulded by the never ending expectations of society ..I no longer have a choice I just ... _go with the flow_ ...I try to make everyone proud and happy and totally forget about me ...I want my name to be the word upon everyone's lips ...I want to be perfect and flawless ... I want to be known ...I want to make the whole world happy ...I want to be the ''it'' guy ...I want to be who everyone deems me to to be and more ...but the funny thing is,,,despite all these ''I wants'' ...it seems like I'm the one who stands to lose and society gains ..tell me ...is it weird that what I want is what is destroying me ....I have become the cause to my very own destruction .. a prisoner to the assumptions I am drowning in the expectations and the cravings to be the center of attraction ..sometimes I wonder ...is society's selfish satisfaction really worth all this trouble I go through? my life has been reduced to an abusive marriage with society as my not so loving wife .. after I try so hard to be perfect for her my tiring efforts are met with a brutal and disheartening slap of great ungratefulness ..she is an unsympathetic, ever demanding wife and she is never truly satisfied ...she does not understand and can never possibly get the fact that I'm up to my neck ..I am choking on the impossible standards that society has set for me ...I am stuck in this dark world of societal rule where I am tortured and brutalized every single day ...I am tired of all the trying ..I can't do this anymore ..I feel like nobody really knows me for even I do not know myself anymore ...I am alone despite the fact that I have millions of ''friends'' ...I have forever rejected my true self and created this perfect image of me but I've always felt like something is missing ...I tried everything ...I bought a diary but after a few pages I thought it was ridiculous and tore it apart ...I tried therapy but I couldn't sit there and listen to this woman lie to me telling me she understands what I'm going through ...I tried jogging and yes it helped me physically but mentally ..I am still broke ...all I tried was in vain and to no avail ...my soul is empty ..there is something missing ..I believe it is my humanity for I have become a mere puppet of society ..but as a puppet I also have feelings I mean even Pinocchio was once a real boy right? ...I no longer possess the ability to choose ...my freedom has been greedily snatched away from me along with my emotions ..I try my best to show emotion like other human beings but being the way I am it becomes an effort never appreciated ...let alone noticed ... behind that smile, laugh, frown, cry is a heavy load of utter emptiness ..the word perfection has been embedded in my mind and has become an obligation forcefully bestowed upon me ...what I think I want is actually what is expected of me by society ...what I think I need is what is needed by those around me.. I have to be a good boy, I have to be accepted, I have to put up a good front for them ...I feel the constant need to satisfy ...I live for everyone except me ..I'm not even sure if the concept of living is suitable in this context because this is not how life should be ...not at all ...what do I desire in life? ..honestly my desires and aspirations were long lost along with the rest of me ...I curse the day I decided to live for others because that was the day I gave away all of me so tell me ..who am I? ...or rather who am I supposed to be?
