Coughs.
Last puff for the night.
I'm high as fuck. I do not know why I am still trying when I know I couldn't.
I'm trying to cover up the pain that is slowly eating me up. The sorrow that I could not carry anymore.
Here I am writing it here because I have nobody to tell it to.
My family have turned their back on me.
And so did my friends.
Or at least I think they did.
I couldn't remember how I ended up losing everyone.
I can't understand myself.
But I wish I could tell them I need help.
I wish they could see me hurting.
I wish I could tell them I'm dying.
I wish I could ask them to save me.
But I can't. I could no longer remember the last time I was happy.
I actually just came back from work it's 3 in the morning and I have to go back to office before 9 tomorrow.
I do not know why I'm writing here. But it feels better. It feels to be saying the things I wish I could be saying to people around me.
Last night was the worst of it. I was worried for myself. It was as if I will have an emotional break down.
I made a mistake at work.
Ahh... and yes, 😂 There's this guy at work and he's hot as fuck. Really. Anyways, I'm gay so yeah. I guess that's something to be sad about too. 😅 I mean really. It's hard.
So to continue, I know he is straight. I mean, I thought I could be friends with a straight guy who happens to be very good looking. I swear I tried. But yeah, I ended up liking him.
At some point I would say we became like best buddies. And he knows I'm gay! 😂
I mean, he has to know. That was the first time I answered "Yes, I'm gay." All my life I have been saying "No! I'm not." I even had some girlfriends just to tell everyone, "Hey look, I'm straight." And I feel bad for those girls who wasted their times on me. Well at least I helped them preserve their virginities then as I just can't. 😂
Anyways, see, damn it. I think I'm losing it.
I'll be extremely sad, then be extremely happy and excited when I'm talking about him. I mean my officemate-friend-gaycrush. Only he can make me extremely low and extremely happy.
Sometimes I feel like he likes me. But maybe it's just me and my wishful thinking that he does.
I don't even know why I'm talking about him when I was telling about last night.
To cut it short, that guy and me had a fight. And we are not talking.
We used to talk a lot.
Everyday. Every hour. We were worse than new lovers that makes each other laugh while at work and text each other for funny stuff.
Well at least that's how I see it.
It was just because it was funny for him, maybe.
😂
He was the only one I had 😅 The only one that was making me smile. The only one I thought I was happy with. But no, we fought because of his last message.
He said "Unlike you, you befriend someone for you own selfish reasons."
I thought we were friends.
I thought we both know the friendship was genuine.
Did he actually say I'm using him? How? When?
And is it me just thinking that's what he meant?
😐
We haven't talked for so long.
I miss him.
Actually, before this I was watching videos on YouTube. Videos like "How to know if he misses you too". 😂
Ugh. Why did I go away with my story again.
So back to it, I made a mistake last night and he said
"Fck off. You fcked it up."
And couldn't believe I would be hearing that from him.
And so did my other colleague.
She laughs and said "Fck off!".
I went to the balcony and smoked pretty much all the cigarettes I had in my pocket. That was the only time I had the hardest time opening a door. It took me 2 hours staying at the balcony coz I do not have confidence to face them. I felt small. I felt worthless. I felt like I was a burden.
...I think I'm sleepy 😂
Or maybe it's just me trying to run away again, coz I thought writing is making me feel better. But seems I still get sad sharing it. I'll just sleep for now til I see a better solution on forgetting the pain that even the weed I had before writing this didn't help.
Good night for now. 😊
