I lay awake at night and think about all of my regrets.
Like things I've done or said that I wish I never have. Or things that I could've done but didn't. Or could've said but also decided to keep locked up inside.
I wonder how my life would be different right now.
I definitely wouldn't be awake
and worrying about it at this very moment.
I wonder if I would be the person I am today, if I had just said no or yes, or maybe if I had fixed something that I know I could've. Maybe if I had just apologized.
Maybe if I had been more understanding, or kinder.
If I had pushed through, and hadn't given up.
If I had been as strong as I know I could have been.
But I wasn't strong, and I wasn't kind nor was I forgiving. That's the scariest part of it all. That I know I could've been a better person. A better version of myself. Someone brighter. But for some reason I was bitter and dark. I blamed it on others, or on the world itself. Said that everything happens for a reason, but I could've been the reason someone would've stayed—if only I were different. If only I were different maybe I wouldn't have all these regrets. But I have to forgive myself. I have to forgive myself so that I can move forward. So that this time, I can be different, and I can be better.
Gabsviolet // g.vio.g
