One day I woke up and I felt worse. No I'm not sick, I just didn't feel like I was doing "it" right. Life I mean. Wasn't trying my hardest at work, didn't see my girlfriend enough, smoking, drinking, sleeping. The thought goes on though. Much time passes. One day I walk home 4:03 am to be specific. I'm coming from a friends after hours of sweaty forehead and bong hits. Zoning in and out of everything.
God why is this so hard. Sometimes I say god when I really don't believe in him. I write this as I lay still in uniform with a massive headache and the taste of cigarette still on my tongue. I know how to change but I'm not strong enough. My ambition is gone.. Maybe it's the drugs? I should quit but how can I with so many people around me constantly using. I want to exercise I want to eat right, I want to be healthy and clean. Rock bottom would be the correct term here. I've spent so much time thinking about my past that I've forgotten how to feel and act. Don't get me wrong I get sad and mad and happy it's just that I thought I was someone who understood people and somewhat had a handle on life (asides from the drinking and smoking) but I really don't know. I'm only know realizing how other people see me and how my actions impact others. Today I thought about how I'm working more then I need to and how I'm too young and I should be enjoying myself. Now I'm looking forward rather than back and I see the problems I've had in the past make me feel like I deserve to still be young when I've already wasted that. My mind was cloudy and I lost sight of any goals I had. I spent my time feeling sorry for myself and trying to bury hatchets when I should've been focusing on how to make each year more productive then the last. That's what I should really be thinking about not using my past as an excuse to be angry. Work is work and once I leave it's out of mind. Why do I have to let it ruin my night because I know I'll be back there the next day. Why do insist on staying up so late I can just barely get enough sleep to go back. Why don't I spend my time worrying about myself instead of others. I know that spuds greedy but I don't mean it like that. Rather than going to my friends as soon as possible so that I don't miss a possible moment a fun (as if the world will end if I missed that joke about Brett Favre). I could be at home or out jogging.
The worst part of all of this is that tomorrow I will wake up thinking totally different until the moment I end up back on this bed too early to be awake. He'll I'll probably write about again.
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