The Struggles and Confessions of a Military Girlfriend.

Day 2

Tuesday May 8th, 2018
12:56 am.
I read to him day one. I listened to his tears as he listened to me. My heart broke. It breaks every time. How are we supposed to be Ok? I just want to pull him close to me and hold him while he sleeps. I love him. He means everything to me and yet as I write this reality constantly reminds me of the truth of my life. I'm not ready buy neither is he. My heart hurts. I'll be ok though. So will he.
4:06 am.
I'm woken up from an almost sleep by the shake and rumble of everything in my house. We are unsure of what it was. It felt like an earthquake. I mean I live in California so it's not uncommon or surprising. I pop my ear buds back in and go back to sleep.
8:56 am
I'm on my way to meet with a lady about a job in Corona. I'm excited but I woke up late and had to rush out of the house without grabbing something to eat. I regret that. My stomach hurts and it's growling. My eyes are burning. I'm so tired. I didn't get much sleep last night. I couldn't help it. As I laid in bed on the phone with him the only thing I could focus in was that this will be one of the last few times this happens. Once he leaves the time zones will completely fuck it up for us. So I stayed up and i listened to the snores that fell from him. I listened to his breathing and imagined I was laying on his chest in little to nothing at all all over again. I prayed for the time to stop in that moment. It never did. As crazy as it sounds I feel empty and alone. I'm in a place constantly surrounded by people and yet I've never felt more alone in my life. I feel like im dying because someone took away my life source. Does it get better? Will my life get better? I suppose only time will tell. You know it's funny. As I write this right here right now I'm walking to what I'm hopeful will be my next job and yet all I can think of is how his eyes remind me of chocolate and how I obsess over the fact that they make me feel like im on top of the world with the way that those beautiful eyes look at me. Or how he always says my eyes are reddish brown. And for some reason both of these things lead me to thinking about peanut butter and oatmeal. 
10:10 am.
So I got the job. I start training tomorrow. I'm thankful. My aunt got me this. She did this. I'm happy. I dont have to wear a uniform. I dont have to cover my tattoos or take out my piercings. I get to sit and they work with my schedule. I'm excited. This is exactly what I needed. Anyways I'm so hungry but I'm equally tired
1:37 pm
I was running late. After deciding that taking a shower before school was a good idea. Clearly I had forgotten who the hell I was. By the time I had got out of my shower I was over heated and late. I just sat on the couch and read until it was time to go. My brother was outside when he yelled out for me. The bus was here and if I didn't hurry I would miss it. I ran out of the house but not before running back in to grab something. It didn't matter that i was 85 degrees outside and that i hated carrying stuff. I needed this one thing. His jacket. I needed it. I needed it for comfort. I didn't matter that i wore him around my neck day and night. It didn't matter that for the rest of my life I would have a cross on my arm as a reminder of him. It didn't matter. You see it didn't matter because I needed something of his that would sort of replace the warmth I lacked from not being in his arms. It didn't matter how hot it wad outside. Without him I felt cold. He was the sunshine of my life. Talking to him throughout the day even if it is just a small text here and there, each one meant the world to me. I wondered constantly what he was upto. I thought about if he was packing. I wondered if he ate or not because lord knows sometimes he gets a little too lazy to eat. I wondered if he was stressed but then again it was him we were talking about and he is always stressed. I was worried for him and his sanity as I'm sure he thought the same about me. I was curious maybe a little too curious and for that i didn't care. I listened to music. Music that made me feel a certain type of way.
6:33 pm
My heart ached and i had no idea why. I sat on the steps of the college not really moving or doing anything just sitting. Thinking was more like it. I threw on his jacket and immediately I was enveloped in his scent and warmth. It was as well as it would have been had he been next to me but it was well enough. Still as I stared into the sky and watched it change colors I longed for him to be there with me. Silently and without me realizing the tears began to fall. They were silent but I knew where they were coming from. A place of pain. I tried so hard to be strong but it was moments like this when I sat alone that he was all my mind could think of. As if someone had broke the replay button memories of our time together began to play on a loop constantly. Never stopping. The pain intensified as I played the last moments of my time with him. Little does he know that when he faded down those steps I crashed to my knees and wailed for the loss of him. Little does he know I sat on the freezer until I could no longer see his taillights. Little does he know that i screamed from the pain. Little does he know I fell asleep because of the tears. I cried and i still do. Knowing in just a few short moments my world turned upside down and was burned to the ground.
9:07 pm.
I had news. News I wanted to share but I also needed help. His help. I mean I could probably do it without him but I didn't really want to. I guess I wanted to hold onto that normality of telling him everything before it all disappeared. I wasn't prepared for the struggle. Already it was weird odd and completely unnerving not hearing from him. My world felt cold and it was starting to get dark and i was doing everything I could to not fall into the deepest pits of solitude where I truly wanted to be. My heart ached. This was a feeling I had already decided I was going to have to get used to. I didn't really want to but did I have a choice absolutely not. So here I am sitting in a bath eating cereal and thinking if he saw me now. I'm sitting in a bath contemplating life. I've grown so attached to him that it's almost impossible not to think about him. I dont know how to stop. It's a natural thing for me to do. I guess I honestly just don't know how life ever was without him. He is what keeps me sane. I already feel myself falling into old habits. Especially when it comes to my family. I'm easily triggered and most anger and rage is released. I save my tears for moments like this when I'm sitting in a bathtub alone. Just me and my thoughts. Perhaps it's nothing. Maybe it's something. Quite possibly its everything. I just don't feel the same. We are on day two now and somehow I'm convinced that I'm going to struggle so much over the next 7 months. That sounds so long. That's 7 months. 30 weeks. 213 days. 5,110 hours. 306,600 minutes. 18,396,020 seconds. Fuck why did I have to go and put it like that? I just i miss him. I love him.
Baby I miss you. I miss your voice. I miss your laugh. Ugh what am I going to do.
Your girlfriend ❤😙
                                                     XOXO