It was useless. I slapped the palms of my hands against my face and groaned in the perpetual confusion that I felt. When I was younger, I used to think that it would be easy, that I knew what I wanted and would be able to get it. Yet, as the years have passed, that clarity has eroded away to reveal a bulging uncertainty and nagging fear at the potential bleakness of my situation. Life may be good now, I thought, but if I did something wrong, then it would be like moving one step forwards and two steps back. Every time, I seem to make the wrong mistakes and never learn – getting through by the skin of my teeth. I say I want to better myself, yet I cannot find the motivation to keep going, even if I start. I can have everyone in the world tell me that I can get where I want to be, that I have it in me to get where I want – if I really want something that badly. But at the end of the day, it all comes down to my own mind-set. I know I need to change in order to make progress, yet I am afraid. In my experience, it is better to go into things not expecting to succeed, so that when things don’t go well, I’m not crushed by the fact that I couldn’t do something. Yes, it is true that you can mostly only achieve something by working at it time and time again, yet I wish that I could just be talented at something. I may have my hobbies, but they aren’t my talents – it’s just the same as anyone else that has those hobbies.
I think I have a complex, you see. I have always, unhealthily, compared myself to other people – people who seem to achieve more effortlessly, or better than me. Even my youngest sibling is now an A* student, when I never was. I know, academic excellence isn’t necessarily “everything”, but in this day-and-age it certainly seems like an awful lot. At school, there would be ‘motivational’ posters in the common room – which never seemed very inspiring to me, but simply listed the amount of experience and qualities and good grades someone would need to secure a job once they left university. As I am writing this, I am unsure as to if I’ve even got into university. People I know have applied to places far and wide, with entry grades of AAB that I can only ever dream of. As for me, I’m sticking close to home, with more realistic low entry grades, but I know that there is still a significant chance of me moving two steps backwards again. Perhaps, I think, academic life may not be for me. Maybe I would be better just getting experience next year, if results don’t go the way I hope this summer. Yet, how would I measure up to all the new undergraduates? It’s hard to conceive.
Maybe I should just go a totally different route and open up my own cake shop. But I’m no entrepreneur. I can’t imagine taking out a loan, managing staff, buying my own shop, baking all day. I just don’t know what’s in store for me right now.
Don’t get me wrong, I have a great life, surrounded by many amazing people. I’m a good person – well, I hope I am – and have managed to sustain friendships, but I know time has a funny way of drifting people apart. However, I suppose time can also bring people back together too. For now, I don’t know who I am academically, or what I will do in the future; so I try to focus on being the best friend I can be for other people. I know that, if you nurture and support any relationship in your life, it will blossom.
Some of my friendships have been one-sided, with me giving all I can to help the other person, but to get very little back, and no appreciation for what I have done. But after all of these years, I have met some amazing people who have also been through their share of drama; and we all came together to become the most supportive we can of each other. Just over nine months ago, I met another amazing individual that has improved my life significantly, and wills me to begin to see the beauty that I possess – both inside and out.
It’s hard to conclude. To be honest, I started writing this as a way of getting my feelings out, but as the fog of confusion clears, it’s easier to see the brighter things that life beholds. I know that there is still a lot of uncertainty, which brings with it insecurity. But ultimately, the point that I would like to end on is this: No matter how hard things get, surround yourself with the people you love. Even on your darkest days, they are the shining light in the darkness that will get you through. Just look to them to find your strength, regain your composure, and then take a step forwards. It’s the only way to go.
