growing out of wondering.

cherry blossom(ing)

"I've been going on for about 4 chapters about how I need to move on and how I need to renew myself but if I'm being completely honest I haven't done squat. I've been on the search for the smallest connection to you but that's just not coming. I don't want you but I want the you depicted in the sweet thoughts in my head. But the truth is that's just not what's meant for me. I'll always love you, that's just the way my heart works but I will love the next person more and if he is not the one then the one after him will get more. I will continue to grow instead of let it drain me. But I am not on the search for love. No. That's not me right now. I'm on the search for the girl behind the keyboard. The girl that leaves her problems the second her face is lit up by the screen or the second she picks up her blue notebook. I will find me again and when the time is right, love will find me too.

I've took off my nails that you use to love the feeling of, on your back, your hair, even on your face when I would grab you to kiss you. I straighten my hair because you loved it the most when it was curly. This isn't me getting rid of the parts of me you like, no, this is me getting rid of the things you loved because I forgot why I loved them too. I let your love be myself confidence but now it's time to make them go away for awhile so that when they come back I remember why I love them. It's time to stop looking and time to build. The new me is not waiting for me around the corner, not at all. God put the pieces in front of me but this time he added a couple more things and I can't wait to figure myself out again before I try to figure anyone else out. Thank you."

It's funny that I left William yet I miss him. He was my first love and lately it's been feeling like he might be the only one. I feel like I'll never find that connection with anyone else again. There's so many things I miss doing. Like the rush when you sneak out at 2 am and I'd meet him at the street corner. When we went to view point. Or those stupid voices he'd make when he'd sing a song to me. His Obama impression was terrible but it was the only thing that could make me smile when my day was kicking my ass. Or when we'd hang out at the park and lay there and just look at each other. Oh what I would give to just look at you like that again. Just us. Runaway with me. What the fuck am I saying. This depiction of you was never consistent. You finally started to love me and appreciate me was when you left because no one else had your back the way I did and you know that's true. You had people who were claiming that all of sudden they proud of you but we both knew that was just because now you were able to give some money instead of having to ask for it. Or when you were on the brink of suicide but your friends put their issues first and there I was at 1 am talking to you, calming you down. I held it down while I broke and I guess you breaking towards the end was my fault, I'll admit. I was giving off the energy that I couldn't help you and you felt hopeless and I'm sorry I left you in your time of need but I could never fix you. You always said I could but let's be realistic, I couldn't fix you just the same way that I couldn't change you.

The image we have of ourselves in our own head will never be the same image depicted into another person's brain so maybe I did help or maybe I only caused more collateral damage. But I tried and I know you did too. But here's to us, here's to the last sentences I will ever write about you because now it's time for me. I love you and I always will, stay safe, find me later, if you want. Goodbye to the you in me. Goodbye, Wonder.