Because You Loved Me-A Kaira FF

There is only so much I can bear

  Currently sitting in my dance academy room ,I am just blankly staring at the wall thinking who knows what. My mind is just all over the place and i can't seem to think of  a proper coherent thought for the past hour. Whatever hadn't happened in my life all these days came back rushing to me all at once at full throttle and there is only so much the sherni inside me could bear. Rest is just blown out of proportions and is utter chaos. Those 5 minutes encounter with him in the elevator was all kinds of things for me. I don't know what i feel. Whether I am happy to see him after so many days or if I am hurt and disheartened because seeing him again brings back all those bad memories. To be frank, i don't know what to think. And the scene I created inside the elevator like a weakling crying so badly and completely wetting his shirt, that was embarassing enough. The part I don't get is him reciprocating my action and holding me so tight like he held onto his dear life and saying sorry to me. I seriously don't get that. Earlier it didn't look like he cared for what he had done and never stopped me from leaving and so where were these words coming from?? These many thoughts are running inside my head each colliding with each other and I just feel like detaching my head and laying it down for rest. It feels like exploding because I am so overwhelmed and at present I have only one solution at hand, dancing. Dancing , the art that breathes the life into me and keeps me going. It was these times I had mentioned when everything was becoming too much to bear and I couldn't share it with anyone and wanted to vent it out so badly dancing came in aid then. That's why loved it. Dancing my heart out for infinite hours until i get completely drained of energy and fall down totally tired that's when i stop. And that was what i doing currently ,each movement spoke a different language and I loved that. I was so immersed in dancing that i hadn't noticed Diya walk in. She was still anxious about what had happened earlier and now had most probably come to talk about it. I stopped what i was doing and nodded her in. "Diya are you still worried about that incident??" i questioned her concerndly. She nodded in reply and said" I was so scared you know, what if something had happened to you. You were like a dear sister to me and I can't bear something happening to you " and she ran away from the room leaving me rooted to the spot. That's the stupid  thing about life,you get love and betrayal from all corners of the world, some you never would have guessed. What if I had lost his love,it's not that I am some love deprived soul . For the love that i failed to receive from him, i had found unconditional love here in the form of people who dearly cared for me.

   Thankfully i didn't run into Kartik for the rest of the day which was good because i don't think i had it in me for a second encounter. It's not as if i was freely roaming the lobby and bravely awaiting his arrival. I was just holed up in my office the whole day and when it was time to leave i left totally incognito. That's what I have planned for the rest of the days appear and disappear soundlessly like a shadow with no clue for anyone whatsoever. There wasn't any assurance that i  won't run into Kartik if i am gonna do all these stupid tactics but that's just a mental motivation to myself. On my way home i didn't feel like going to the beach since i was drained completely and just wanted to go home and go get buried under my sheets. Surprisingly Payal was at home today which was totally unusual because she mostly works opposite to our daily schedules. As soon as i saw her in the corridor ,I all but ran to her and hugged her tightly. She was the only soul here who came  close to a mother for me. She didn't get shocked by my action and instead held me, quietly comforting me and soothing my nerves. She just knew what to do at what time and that's why i loved her so much. She didn't question me what had happened because she knew i will pour it out at once when i am ready. She silently stood there hugging me and i couldn't be thankful for anything else. After what seemed like ages i finally let her go. Then for the another few hours i gradually poured my heart out not before bursting into a bucket of tears before each sentence. I guess the sherni inside me is crippling in shame seeing my state nowadays. Then Payal said," Let's do one thing. A new neighbour is moving in the flat next to yours. Let's just go visit them..thet might be a huge family and we can engage ourselves helping them shift. Who knows some hot prince charming may also come our way!!" she exaggerated this by winking her eyes in a weird manner. I just shoved all her suggestions away and told her i was going into deep hibernation. She tried her best to persuade me but seeing my unmoving attitude, she let me go not before threatening to drag me out of the bed and skewer me if i am in the same state tomorrow. I just laughed off her silly remarks and entered my flat. " My love bed,here i come " saying so i all but jumped into it and went into deep slumber.

    In the middle of the night i awoke with a start. Another nightmare ,this one worser than the previous one. They started increasing once he left me.If he had been here,he would have also awoken by my thrashing and  panic will be evident in his eyes. Because he couldn't see me distressed. He had always wanted the best for me. Seeing my terrified state, he would immediately scoop me in his arms and place me on his lap. His arms will encircle me in his warm embrace, my shield from all the nightmares. I would just cuddle as close as possible and stay close to him. I would place my heart on his chest and get calmed by his heartbeat. He would caress my face,my hair and place assuring kisses on my face and forehead,each kiss like a protection spell from the evil. He would calm me down,sooth me and gently rock me to sleep as if I was his little baby. And he will assure me everything will be alright and that he will be my knight in shining armour and fight off the demons. Trusting his words and in his safe embrace , i would slowly doze off. That's how it was with him. That's what  he meant for me. If only he had been here now........

      Struggling to get a wink of sleep the whole night , i finally dozed off early morning. Thankfully the next day was sunday so i didn't have much work at the academy. My body didn't want to get off the bed but i remembered Payal's warning and even though i knew she didn't literally mean those words,i couldn't trust her. So with that I rose out of bed ready to start another day afresh. As i came out of my apartment, Payal was alreday up and fresh. She smiled a dazzling smile and the happiness in seeing me awake so early was evident in her face.      " Ok,now time to execute mission'Meet the neighbours'. You can't just keep talking to me all the time. You need to make some newfriends and now's the exact time for it." saying so she dragged me to the door next to my flat.This was kind of a sophisticated apartment complex and so we had only 3 flats per halway. Now the final member of our hallway has arrived and Payal who is a social butterfly could not contain her excitement. I on other hand felt like doing anything other than visiting neighbours on a Sunday morning. She rang the bell once, twice, thrice but no reply." I guess they must sleeping because of all the shifting yesterday" she muttered." Finally!!!! You understand. Come on let's get going. We can meet them sometime later." I told and as i was dragging her away, the door sprang open and there stood, You know who...Kartik. What the hell????