fate; c.h

0.1

"I'm so sorry for your lost." I've heard this line about a 100 times in the last 2 days. Then again, what else are you suppose to say to someone when their best friend of 15 years kills herself and doesn't even tell you. So, here I am standing in front of my mirror looking at my pathetic excuse of a black dress and my eye's huge droopy dark bags. I grab some concealer and mascara and decide to apply some to look somewhat more presentable.

I go downstairs and greet my mother who has made chocolate chip pancakes. Which were once my favorite but now I can't even bare to look at. My mom pushes the plate towards me, "eat." I push the plate back and go to the fridge to get a bottle of water.

"I'm not hungry."

"You need to eat Viola, I know your upset about what happened to Jessica but you need to eat," my mother scolded me.

"Upset?" I chuckle, "I'm fucking furious."

I look at the time and realize we have to be at the funeral home in fifteen minutes. "It's time to go."

The ride there was long, I felt as if we've been driving for hours when in reality we drove a little less than a mile. When we got there the parking lot was filled with cars. I'm not ready to go in and see a whole bunch of people put on a fake face and act like they actually care.

After about twenty minutes I get the courage to  walk inside. I walk in and immediately feel everyone's sad eyes on me. I go and greet Sue, Jessica's mom. She looks terrible, her eyes almost identical to mine except she didn't care to try and cover it up.

"Hi Sue."

She nods her head and shows and sad smile as she pulls in for a hug. Jessica was all she had, Sue had gotten pregnant at 16 and her boyfriend of the time took of when she told him she was pregnant. She raised Jessica all
on her own.

Since Jessica committed suicide no pastor wanted to do the funeral so Sue had decided that a few of us would just say a few words.
As Jessica's best friend, I had to write a eulogy to read at her funeral. It took me a while to write because I didn't really know to write about. I could have wrote about the dumb shit we went through but I knew that funerals were for the living and not the dead.

" For a really long time I didn't know what to write when finally I decided to write a poem. So, this one is for you Jess.

No one knew the torment,
that you were going through;
We only kept on seeing
What we really wanted to.

We saw the outward smile,
but not your inner pain;
We never really dreamt,
That you would never smile again.

Forgive us if we failed to see,
What we could do to aid;
Or if we failed to comprehend,
How much you were afraid.

We pray your mental anguish,
Will now forever cease;
And that your deep anxieties,
Will be replaced by peace.

We know your pain invaded,
Every single thought you had;
It made you cry internally,
And deeply, deeply sad.

But we in turn remember,
The good times, not the bad;
We remember when you smiled at us,
And not when you were sad.

So when we think about your life,
We won’t dwell upon its close;
We’ll remember all the good times,
And forget about life’s blows.

We’ll remember all the happiness,
The joy and not the tears;
The assurance and the confidence,
And not irrational fears.

Our lives have all been better,
Because you have been there;
So now we leave your memory,
In God’s all-loving care.

The only thing I ask all of you today is that you remember Jessica as the care free bubbly person she was, remember the good. Thank you." I say as I'm wiping tears from my eyes. I didn't believe shit I just said.

The rest of the funeral went by in a blur. People started saying their goodbyes and slowly the room emptied.

"Honey, your mom left. I told her I'd give you a ride home, are you ready?" Sue asks.

"I think I'm going to stay here for a little while. I can walk home, it won't be any worries."

Sue nods her head and leaves. I look at the casket and I look at Jessica lay there. It still doesn't seem surreal to me.

"WAKE UP!" I screamed at the casket.

"Why won't you wake up? Why did you leave me, Jess? Why didn't you tell me? I was your best friend and you didn't tell me, you didn't even leave me a fucking note. I could have helped, god damnit I could have helped." I sob into my hands.

"Are you okay?" A deep voice asks.

I rub my eyes trying to clear my vision up, I see a tall guy about my age standing behind me.

"Does it look like I'm okay?"

"No," he shakes his head.

"I thought I was the only one here."

"Sorry, I just wanted to say goodbye. I couldn't do it in front of everyone," he explains.

"It's okay, how did you know Jess?"

"We had a fling last month and then she randomly blocked me on everything. I haven't heard from her since and then my friend told me she well; nevermind."

"She never told me about any fling." I say as confusion fills my brain.

"I'm sorry, what's your name," he asks.

"Viola, I am, was, her best friend. You are?"

"Cody."

Hey y'all I know this is a short chapter but it's my first one! I know this is strange and not fast moving at all but I wanted to create a fan fiction that wasn't basic. Let me know how you feel about it!

-Sofia :)